Doss in the Park Race Report
Authors: Powell T.P, Crizzle DJ
After several weeks of having to read crank-em-out, pile-em high shit lit that passes for modern day race reports, for one night only I have decided to write one last journalistic work of glory before official duties of press officer pass to the capable hands of Matthew Crehan. This time I am co-writing the report with my main man DJ Crizzle. This new partnership will enable us to bring the club round 360 degrees, and produce something that Captain Davies will need to apologise to nearly the entire Redbrick University community. Be ready people, I’ve eaten a lot of curry in true cross country fashion, and I’m sitting near a fan.
After writing this initial paragraph I realise I have lost the piece of paper on which had the only copy of the races times on it, due to the absence of fact I will bulk up the report with even more fiction than usual.
Only fourteen people ran in the race but plenty of other people turned up to help with timing and to have a big pub lunch so overall it was a good laugh and we’re pleased we did it. Even those who had had big nights at Fruity (why are other clubs even OPEN on a Friday?!) had a laugh, and so we can see that TP knows exactly how to put on a show. The first person to start was Louise Braine who set off at a deadly pace and looked to have the race in the bag, she however burst into a heavy nosebleed owing to the immense pressure on the second lap and felt it necessary to retire, though of course we would have loved to see her finish the race in glorious red war paint. She’s probably quite embarrassed about this so I thought it only fair to embarrass her some more by mentioning this in the report. It’s a shame the filthy hobbit who is Luke Buswell did not show up as he claimed he was too knackered the day before, yet still found time to have a big night out. It’s also a shame the fat lad (Greenwood in this instance) did not make an appearance, however he was worried he would carry too much momentum when rolling down the Hyde Park hills he would end up rolling straight into the A660.
Next up were Catherine Garbutt and Sophie Davis who ran together and were leading the field with only 1k to go. Unfortunately for them however Big Cat Emma Radcliffe was on the prowl and dispatched them over this final stretch to win this prestigious title. Garbutt and Davis finished drawn second.
Jocelyn Payne, Colleen Wilson and Lucy Needham set of next with predicted times around the 19.30 mark. This was a big race for Joss and claimed she was peaking specifically for this. In fact she’d lowered her mileage the last few weeks so as to get some speed work in and only ran 300 miles over the previous fortnight (300 more than Alex Bellew). Payne pushed the pace and Needham dropped off first, then so did Wilson at the end of the second lap. Next to finish was Big Phil Sessman who ran like a crazy animal and finished in less than 16 minutes which is fucking outrageous. He was followed in by DJ Sexual Predator and Ashley Bailey who both finished together in a sprint. DJ was very hungover after another heavy night out. He looked very disappointed all mornings after rumours of Bronwyn taking away the title of ‘club predator’. DJ’s a more consistent performer though so he’s still got my vote. George Best once said ‘I spend 90% of my money on women and drink, the rest I wasted’. DJ is like this except he doesn’t waste any money. It should also be made a note that Bailey had a big one the night before at Fruity (why do they even bother opening other clubs on a Friday?!) and he still rocked up to give a top performance.However Ashley was not quite as hungover or looking quite as awful as the DJ on that fateful Saturday morning, and so we’ll just assume that had they both been on top form, DJ would have nailed him (not in the way DJ nails women).
Chris Needham came in next, followed by Dave Alcock, who appeared to be wearing a top that was older than most of the students. Next was Mr Fish and Chips, no, not Alf Tupper but Jack Wood who didn’t even warm up and still ran 17.20. The field was braught home by Chi Trinh who is a very nice man and after he’s helped me a lot on my dissertation he seemed pretty hurt that I didn’t fix the handicap for him. Sorry Chi.
I think most people came after I announced the possibilities of prizes. I bet they loved those £5 up and running vouchers. I’d also like to thank my volunteers (especially Silver Surfer ‘:):):):):)’ Shan and Glenn Phair who looked particularly pedophilic with his ‘movember’ facial hair. Question: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? Answer: A pedophile.
The highlight of the day was definitely the Library Pub’s food, and if they read this, they should definitely find DJ Sexual Predator Crizzle and pay him for this promotion. It should also be pointed out that Thomas Powell esq. was a cheeky sort who did not bring any money to the pub and made DJ pay for his food and his lemonade (weak, didn’t even get a real drink). TP is in debt of £5 – let it not be forgotten.