IOM 2015

Apologies for the length, I got a bit carried away.

 

My first trip to the Isle of Man was certainly an eventful one, both athletically and alcoholically. Despite the weekend kicking off with a seven hour delay, a rough crossing and Josh drop kicking a baby across the ferry terminal, the stories, which I had doubted, about the annual Isle of Man trip lived up to expectations. The following events are accounted to the best of my ability; apologies if you are left out, I blame the beer.

 

An impressive weekend of running by Doss A.C. started earlier than expected with a win by Phil Sesseman at Port Erin. After arriving 10 minutes before the start of the race, following an impromptu flight from Liverpool’s John Lennon Airport, he proceeded to beat Alehouse with a very quick time of 31:32. More last minute flyers included Linton Taylor, who finished 9th, Men’s Captain Josh Woodcock-Shaw, finishing 11th and Women’s Captain Harriet Buswell finishing 10th. Along with the last minute flyers, Beth Garland and Rachel Friend allowed a women’s team to count in the results, they finished 7th and 8th, respectively, placing the Doss A.C. women’s team in 2nd overall. The rest of us endured a less than smooth crossing, arriving at the hotel at 2200hrs.

 

Upon everyones eventual arrival at the hotel, beer-racing trials began in earnest. Amongst a plethora of memorable performances, including Pat beating Dan, Tati surprised all with her maiden attempt beating Amicia, it must have something to do with her Scottish roots. She will no longer be known as Tati, but having stripped Amicia of her title, she will now be formally known as Tati ‘and-the-lads’. Following that performance, she is definitely more of a lad than Prowl. Her victory turned out not to be beginners luck either as she proceeded to make the Women’s A team and the campaign to defend last years title. In a pair up that was definitely not a fix, Lockyer beat his girlfriend Rachel Friend, not for the first time in that relationship. Prowl’ and Jack were paired together. Both had bleached their hair Doss Yellow, however Jack undoubtedly looked better (if any change at all) whilst Prowl reminded me of a reject from Made in Chelsea. I have nothing to compare Linton to, so in an attempt to keep my place in the house next year, I won’t try anything. My own trial was doomed from the start, picked to face Dan first (who I like to think was intimidated by my beer racing prowess…) and then a disappointing second defeat to Callum, although I blame this on an unusual gag reflex and not the fact he can drink a beer quicker than I can, he will undoubtedly write to the BBC with stories of libel on my behalf.

 

I have only ever met a few of the Dossers before, the likes of Catherine Garbutt and Dan Whittle, and so didn’t really know what to expect when it came to the ones out of students life for a little longer. Shane quickly remedied this as he called everyones attention to announce a record time of 7.2 seconds to down a can of Guinness through a straw, a world record that Joe Kilgour and I are still convinced popped into his head, despite beating all with a time of 16 seconds. I didn’t compete in this competition, because I was busy trying to find a replacement yellow shirt, as the one I was originally wearing was now hanging in tatters around my neck, courtesy of Willow (you still owe me a £3 yellow shirt by the way). Captain Chris and Dan were not quite as fortunate in escaping the now infamous ‘Guinness Through a Straw’ as Dan saw his second defeat of the night, throwing up into a bucket, however still beating Chris who failed to even think of a bucket and proceeded to decorate the table. There is more to come from Shane, who Prowl and I want to be when we grow up, if ever.

 

The race at Peel Hill was one of the hardest races I have ever run and I imagine the hardest for many of the other participants. The first hill, and I use the word hill loosely, saw runners ascend a slope that in any less favourable conditions would require crampons. It left legs burning and lungs crying. Much credit should be given to the Doss girls for incredible support throughout the race; I think I must have heard my name shouted at least seven different times after the first ascent. Beth gave me and John what I think was a lame attempt at flashing us, god knows how much quicker (or slower) we would have ran if she’d got her vest up all the way, lets just say I’m glad it was cold so high up on the hill! Dame Amicia Lee made up for her defeat by Tati ‘and-the-lads’ by hiking up Peel Hill on crutches, quicker than most of Alehouse as well. After a horrible race on my behalf, mainly due to being caught behind an Alehouse runner in an orange mankini, I was greeted with news that Linton had won the race, despite having convinced me before starting that he wouldn’t. Prowl adopted an unusual but effective form of doping which came in the form of a jaegerbomb, finishing in 8th position. Josh “his name’s too long to fit into a song” and the better Vis put in good runs to beat Alehouses self proclaimed “Dossdestroyer”. Jack recovered well from his 10 pints on the ferry. Jakers put in a good performance, as Zoe will attest to. Dave and Baby face had a close race but a slap on the arse by Dave was enough encouragement to see baby face speed off. Dave was instead left with a battle royale against Alehouse’s mankini wearing Captain Dan Pettitt, Dave taking victory on the line. President Bendy Hoover made it round and even beat a few freshers. Former Dosser Alex Bellew got round the race in a full blown wedding dress and even beat Pukey Pete for good measure. Pukey was still recovering from the antics of his big gay road trip with Dave, which we’ve still not heard many details from…. Meanwhile at the back of the race Dan’s four-pint challenge went well, the more he drank the better he looked. Finn having done his own similar challenge last year opted to keep him company.

 

After recovering from nearly needing an iron lung, the boys ascended the ‘hill’ a second time at a much slower pace to cheer the girls on. We opted for a lower altitude of encouragement and made base camp on the quickest part of the descent. All Dossers stripped to the waist and went nuts for the women, with the usual sledging for any Alehouse unfortunates. Our flashing certainly outdid Beth’s. I think the race was most enjoyed by Rosie who has complained about the lack of hills to me all this year. Was it the hills or Finn that caused you to stay in bed all the next day? I heard both can be a cause of wobbly legs. First lady home was Beth in 11th, she was almost as desperate as Josh for a top 10 finish but it wasn’t to be. Zoe put in a good performance, at least that’s what Jakers told me anyway. The ladies came flying in with Rachel, Sophie Lee and Rosanna next, which coincidentally is a list of people Prowl fancies, with some already on the scoresheet. Tonner would have been faster but her pint rematch the night before against Willow took its toll. The determination in that rematch was almost as great as Amicia’s when trying to beat Tati ‘and-the-lads’. Talking of that delight, she was next up in 50th. Sophie Davies ran quickly, although her exit from the gym on the Sunday night was much quicker.

 

Beer called for tired legs as all communed at the chippy. A deceptively calm first couple of pubs saw the beginning of the 13-mile pub-crawl back to the hotel. I can only remember the first half of events and so this part of the report will remain sparse. I am told by numerous independent sources that I had a good time though. Myself, Prowl, Callum and Rob Sesseman (I hope you have recovered from your injury) got off to a flying start, hitchhiking the first stretch from a woman who declined the crippled Amicia and co., who undoubtedly looked a lot better than we did. She must have heard about Amicia’s poor race against Tati ‘and-the-lads’ on Saturday night and therefore declined her the ride so as to avoid shame. We sat in the pub and awaited the arrival of everyone else, the best sight of the evening being Joe Kilgour, who walked in looking as if he had just been in the steam room having refused to hitchhike and honourably run as expected. He paid the price for this stupidity the next day when his legs stopped working completely. Repeat offences from Prowl and myself proved to piss off certain Haries and when confronted by an angry Scot about illegal hitchhiking, I denied any participation in such foolery, putting the blame on the innocent John. I’m not sure how much abuse he received, if any, so apologies John, although I find it very funny. Jack and some of the fresher girls got their kit off for the naked Maypole, John got his kit off for Susan Partridge, but due to a no show on her part, he made do with running the Maypole instead. My memory starts to become patchy here, as will the recounting of the remaining crawl. What I do remember is Shane’s ‘Curry-on-the-Roof’. For those who missed it or who are unaware (I don’t how you could avoid the tales), it involved Shane standing on the roof a shed and downing a pint of chicken curry in true Doss style. There is nothing else to be said. It was the single most inspiring moment of my life. After this I can remember nothing, apart from an angry MacDonald’s staff member who didn’t like my use of the table as a pillow, despite me telling him I’m not a dribbler. At least I didn’t throw up, Finn did. After the first pub. Shame.

 

The bits of the pub-crawl not remembered by Matt from Dave:

 

Shortly after curry on the roof former Dosser Alex Bellew made his way to the impromptu stage, anyone that had met him before knew what was about to happen, the freshers however were rather shocked and weren’t bargaining on seeing more sausage post breakfast. Prowl got soundly beaten by Simon O’Traitor in what can only be described as O’Traitors speciality “the three egg challenge” he remains the undefeated champion. Alehouse soon turned nasty and Fenton was made to stand on a bin to the chants of, “your Mum went to Alehouse”, which although being true I would like to point out she was faster than most of their current members (including the boys). This was also the last place that Dave’s duck roamed wild and free before being taken hostage. The Crosby saw the Doss Alehouse 12 man beer race, ladies started off with Tati ‘and-the-lads’ Spens smashing Amicia’s time, again. It appears getting married has no detrimental effect on your pint downing; you’re a lucky man to have such a delight Calum Murray. Shane then poured his pint anywhere but his mouth, Alehouse claimed victory although I’m fairly certain their twelfth man threw their pint away mid race, counting was never an Alehouse strong point. Other highlights from the final pub also included duck pong, Dave and Dowan round two and Dave’s shoe reappearing tied to Razz’s bag.

 

My memory returns here.

 

Sunday morning saw the last chapter of the three series festival take place on the promenade in Douglas. Runners were faced with a 2.5km run out along the Irish Sea, a tight hairpin turn and 2.5km run back. Whilst the women ran a straight out race, the men competed as part of a four-man relay. To my relief the women ran first, giving me an extra half an hour in bed. First in was Sophie Lee with a time of 19:15. Missing out on a top 10 spot by one place, she was the third positioned Junior Women, finishing her weekend of running with an impressive kick at the end to challenge that of John Tayleur’s. In close second for Doss A.C. came Beth Garland running a time of 19:37. Women’s captain Harriet Buswell followed twenty seconds later, making three women from Doss A.C. in the top twenty, narrowly missing out on a fourth with Rachel Friend who finished in 21st. Zoe and Tati ‘and-the-lads’ Spens fought a tightly close race with Zoe piping her opponent by only one second at the finish. Further along, despite two nights of heavy drinking Willow set a PB. At the back end Ellie got beaten by a preggie as pregnant president Mrs Bendy Hoover finished ahead.

 

The men’s race saw a campaign for a Doss A.C. whitewash of victories take place. The Men’s A team consisted of Linton Taylor, Josh Woodcock-Shaw, Pat Vis and Phil Sesseman, running in that order. They blew all other opposition out of the park with a comfortable lead of 02:13 over second placed rivals Cambridge. Pat Vis set a new PB of 15:30, beating his old time by an astonishing 11 seconds. Final leg runner leg runner Phil Sesseman was the only person to run a sub-15 minute 5km, with a time of 14:54, closely followed by second fastest runner Linton Taylor who ran at 15:11. The men’s B and C teams also made the top 10; making it a very yellow Sunday on the Isle of Man.

 

Sunday afternoon saw the most competitive football match of the calendar take place, the much-anticipated Doss vs. Alehouse Isle of Man football match. My expectations of this were something related to a lunchtime doss around (forgive the pun) after cramming sandwiches down your throat to get out as quick as possible and using coats and bags as goalposts. What I wasn’t expecting was team selection, substitutions, Josh shouting at Finn from the side line to get off (I thought he was going to kick him like he did the baby) and real goalposts, I can honestly say that I have never played with real goalposts before, only bags.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doss Starting XI.

 

  1. Brodie.

 

 

  1. Williams. R. Powell.                                R. Johnson.

 

 

  1. Greenwood. J. Woodcock-Shaw (c)

 

 

  1. Smith. J. Reed.            H. Buttress.               R. Anderson.

 

 

  1. Vis.

 

Substitutions.

 

  1. Woodcock-Shaw ∨ J.Kilgour.         ∧
  2. Anderson ∨ M. Cullen.       ∧
  3. Brodie ∨ J. Akers.           ∧

 

 

Alehouse Starting XI.

 

OH YEAH, NO ONE CARES…

 

 

 

After a closely matched first half in which both teams returned to the dugout with no goals, frantic discussion ensued, and me having never played competitive football before, just about followed what was going on. This must be what Robbie Savage feels like when doing Match of the Day. Dazed and confused. Alehouse got off to a good start second half start and probably to some Dossers as well, seeing as they had no women present; applying pressure on the back four who stoically persisted in helping our ever-dynamic goalkeeper, Pat Vis. I successfully avoided having any major impact with the ball for the whole half, as long as I didn’t touch it I was happy, because if I had, I fear Josh would sub me and drop kick me like he had done the baby. The orange clad enemy put two past us, however heads weren’t bowed and Doss fought back to equalise 2-2 with two stunning goals from Prowl and Callum. Unfortunately this wasn’t to be our year as an angry Alehouse, whom I had pissed off numerous times with dirty tackles, put one past Vis, making the score 3-2 to finish. Whilst our defeat will ring loud in the ears of Doss for many years, it will never ring as loud as the shame Amicia feels following her defeat by Tati ‘and-the-ladss’. Man of the Match goes to Pat Vis for a stellar performance; he is definitely the better brother, the f****** ginger didn’t even make it onto the pitch, can’t handle the Doss. Prowl put in a number of big tackles, big tackles being something he very much enjoys,

however unlike Jack and Bellew, I politely declined when Prowl asked to see mine.

 

In what resembled an illegal cockfight somewhere in China with angry drunk students abusing Alehouse, emerged the most regimented, organised and high-intensity sport in the world. I recently went to Nottingham to watch a flat water paddling regatta, I have little memory of this too, so all I will say is that they could learn a lot from the organisers of the Isle of Man Beer Racing Championships 2015. I have learned that while beer racing is all about necking a pint, the foundations of the sport are built upon a strong mental game, and much like Johnson telling the Irish to piss off in Dublin 2003, Doss A.C. stands its ground. Shane started the night by demonstrating these values and giving his best Martin Johnson impression as he told some Alehouse to f*** off and sit somewhere else as opposed to their usual spot. Friend was pitted against friend and foe alike as teams descended upon the arena to accept their challenge. No one entered the competition with as much drive as Amicia, who whilst set on reclaiming the Women’s title for the fifteenth time in sixteen years, had her main focus on beating Tati ‘and-the-lads’, the young usurper of the her throne, done with such style and elegance. After hours of competitive drinking a winner was finally crowned. The Women’s A team put out an amazing performance, continuing their incredible 93.75% win rate over the past sixteen years. Professional lads included Tati ‘and-the-lads’, Beth Garland, Rachel Friend and Amicia Lee. I’m sorry Amicia, not sure if you have managed to beat Tati ‘and-the-lads’ yet, there’s always next year. There are many great rivalries in sport; Coe and Ovett, Ali and Frazier, Lewis and Johnson to name but a few, and now Amicia Lee and Tati ‘and-the-lads’, however it seems very one sided at the minute. The bad losers that are Alehouse tried to get us disqualified on a technicality, unlike the 2009 university challenge final, this one did not go in Manchester’s favour. Here at Doss we prefer to win outright and don’t rely on lawyers to win. On another note, we do not talk about who won the Men’s beer racing, I heard they come from a weird place though, ask Callum, he’ll tell you all about it.

 

Apart from the beer racing there were many memorable performances from Sunday night. Big spender ‘Pukey’ Pete managed £70 worth of jaegerbombs, an incredible 28 shot effort. He boasted his achievement the next day claiming to have held it all down, despite my scepticism. I was later proved right. Not only was he sick, but he also covered Richard “I don’t know how mirrors work” Johnson with his own brand of Pale Ale. I heard Richard wasn’t a fan; maybe you’ll have to rebrand Pete. While Pete’s effort was good, he might have been outdone by ‘Randy’ Williams, who christened the prom in his own unique way, a game that Bellew took and played in reverse with Jack…I heard there’s a video somewhere…I hope to god I never see it.

 

Amongst smaller events, Jakers got to know Zoe a little better but passed out before he could convert his try; Phil and I were offered a threesome by some Haries girl, much to my relief it didn’t happen, although later Prowl expressed to participate in such an act with me and I politely declined his request for a demonstration of a big tackle, something Jack and Bellew were still preoccupied with. I don’t know the full details of what happened, but I do know that Jack ended up in A&E after hurling. Your gag reflex might be a little sensitive mate, practice makes perfect. As expected, Alehouses hymnbook remains as thin as ever, unfortunately some of their ‘runners’ cannot boast the same feat, and Doss A.C. emphatically chanted them out of the Isle of Man and all the way back to that weird place of theirs, again ask Callum. Doss, or more specifically Dave, took home a large haul of silverware on Sunday night. Linton ran off with the winner’s plate, “champion” Dave Norman gave chase but with Linton being the fastest man on the Isle it was him who got to enjoy a silver service breakfast the following morning.

 

An unexpected cock up saw us spend an extra day on the Isle. There isn’t much to say here, apart from we sat in the sun and chilled out. Oh wait, and Steam Packet are a national disgrace. There’s definitely a song in there somewhere Pete.

 

The eventual ferry trip home went a lot smoother than expected until the final 300 metres or so, luckily for us on the 0845hrs to Heysham, the two hour delay happened during the day, unlike Willow the night before, who had to wait until 0130hrs before docking, arriving home at 0600hrs. Boredom set on the ferry and across the lounge sat a bunch of Alehouse stragglers. Naturally a beer racing challenge was thrown down by Joe Kilgour (who then declined to race) and two teams were assembled and congregated on the upper deck. Whilst Pat comfortably made the Doss team, the Dossdestroyer was dropped from the Alehouse squad last minute failing in his final bid to destroy any of Doss that weekend; Pat is definitely the better Vis, pulling out a sub 4-second effort when needed most. Unfortunately Tati ‘and-the-lads’ was not there to compete and thankfully neither was Amicia, who probably would have bottled it, understandable after all the mental strain she is under having lost to Tati ‘and-the-lads’ Spens. Doss A.C. were defeated, however controversy quickly surrounded the finish as Alehouse were accused of spillage and so disqualified. I don’t think anyone actually told them though.

 

In conclusion, Isle of Man 2015 was an all round success for Doss A.C. Along with a trophy filled campaign for both men and women in all disciplines, Alehouse were sorely beaten repeatedly, I learnt that stories are definitely better than standards, you can never have too much yellow (mine got covered in blood, not because of a fight, ignore what Shane tells you) and most importantly, that Tati ‘and-the-lads’ can down a pint quicker than Amicia.

Doss in the Park Race Report – 2012

Doss in the Park Race Report

Authors: Powell T.P, Crizzle DJ

After several weeks of having to read crank-em-out, pile-em high shit lit that passes for modern day race reports, for one night only I have decided to write one last journalistic work of glory before official duties of press officer pass to the capable hands of Matthew Crehan. This time I am co-writing the report with my main man DJ Crizzle. This new partnership will enable us to bring the club round 360 degrees, and produce something that Captain Davies will need to apologise to nearly the entire Redbrick University community. Be ready people, I’ve eaten a lot of curry in true cross country fashion, and I’m sitting near a fan.

After writing this initial paragraph I realise I have lost the piece of paper on which had the only copy of the races times on it, due to the absence of fact I will bulk up the report with even more fiction than usual.

Only fourteen people ran in the race but plenty of other people turned up to help with timing and to have a big pub lunch so overall it was a good laugh and we’re pleased we did it. Even those who had had big nights at Fruity (why are other clubs even OPEN on a Friday?!) had a laugh, and so we can see that TP knows exactly how to put on a show. The first person to start was Louise Braine who set off at a deadly pace and looked to have the race in the bag, she however burst into a heavy nosebleed owing to the immense pressure on the second lap and felt it necessary to retire, though of course we would have loved to see her finish the race in glorious red war paint. She’s probably quite embarrassed about this so I thought it only fair to embarrass her some more by mentioning this in the report. It’s a shame the filthy hobbit who is Luke Buswell did not show up as he claimed he was too knackered the day before, yet still found time to have a big night out. It’s also a shame the fat lad (Greenwood in this instance) did not make an appearance, however he was worried he would carry too much momentum when rolling down the Hyde Park hills he would end up rolling straight into the A660.

Next up were Catherine Garbutt and Sophie Davis who ran together and were leading the field with only 1k to go. Unfortunately for them however Big Cat Emma Radcliffe was on the prowl and dispatched them over this final stretch to win this prestigious title. Garbutt and Davis finished drawn second.

Jocelyn Payne, Colleen Wilson and Lucy Needham set of next with predicted times around the 19.30 mark. This was a big race for Joss and claimed she was peaking specifically for this. In fact she’d lowered her mileage the last few weeks so as to get some speed work in and only ran 300 miles over the previous fortnight (300 more than Alex Bellew). Payne pushed the pace and Needham dropped off first, then so did Wilson at the end of the second lap. Next to finish was Big Phil Sessman who ran like a crazy animal and finished in less than 16 minutes which is fucking outrageous. He was followed in by DJ Sexual Predator and Ashley Bailey who both finished together in a sprint. DJ was very hungover after another heavy night out. He looked very disappointed all mornings after rumours of Bronwyn taking away the title of ‘club predator’. DJ’s a more consistent performer though so he’s still got my vote. George Best once said ‘I spend 90% of my money on women and drink, the rest I wasted’. DJ is like this except he doesn’t waste any money. It should also be made a note that Bailey had a big one the night before at Fruity (why do they even bother opening other clubs on a Friday?!) and he still rocked up to give a top performance.However Ashley was not quite as hungover or looking quite as awful as the DJ on that fateful Saturday morning, and so we’ll just assume that had they both been on top form, DJ would have nailed him (not in the way DJ nails women).

Chris Needham came in next, followed by Dave Alcock, who appeared to be wearing a top that was older than most of the students. Next was Mr Fish and Chips, no, not Alf Tupper but Jack Wood who didn’t even warm up and still ran 17.20. The field was braught home by Chi Trinh who is a very nice man and after he’s helped me a lot on my dissertation he seemed pretty hurt that I didn’t fix the handicap for him. Sorry Chi.

I think most people came after I announced the possibilities of prizes. I bet they loved those £5 up and running vouchers. I’d also like to thank my volunteers (especially Silver Surfer ‘:):):):):)’ Shan and Glenn Phair who looked particularly pedophilic with his ‘movember’ facial hair. Question: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? Answer: A pedophile.

The highlight of the day was definitely the Library Pub’s food, and if they read this, they should definitely find DJ Sexual Predator Crizzle and pay him for this promotion. It should also be pointed out that Thomas Powell esq. was a cheeky sort who did not bring any money to the pub and made DJ pay for his food and his lemonade (weak, didn’t even get a real drink). TP is in debt of £5 – let it not be forgotten.

 

WYL Race 1 Race Report – 2012

West Yorkshire league Race 1 – Wetherby

I best kick off this report with an apology. This report will actually be about the race and will feature none of my usual tangents and cut throat humour. Therefore my usual statements such as “COLOUR BLIND PEOPLE. Avoid accidents by getting out of your car at traffic lights to feel which one’s warm” and “CONFUSE the Google Street View car by running alongside it dressed as a house” will not be featured. I will also say Luke Buswell is not receiving any more insults, as he has bullied me incessantly this week and I want to avoid any of this in the future.

Senior Women

Doss AC’s Emily Birchill put in a great display to finish 4th in a 126 people strong ladies field, with student Lucy “picture yourself in a hut in a mountain” Crookes in 5th place. (I best explain this reference. I am planning to continue my references to John Lennon’s classic song ‘Lucy in the sky with diamonds’ in race reports, so I was going to put “picture yourself in a boat on the river” as the opening lyrics to the song go. However I felt this worked better given her attendance at the annual mountain hut trip).

To the fore of the field from the offset with Colleen Wilson (11th) and Bronwyn Hodgins (17th), Birchill and Crookes forged ahead over the testing 8 km course. Other dossers in the field included Lucy Needham (33rd), Catherine Whitfield (55th), Anne Marie-Moore (79th) and Hannah Lechert (93rd).

Crookes restored my faith in her sanity following this great performance as in a text before the race she referred to me as ‘best bud’. Obviously, as everyone knows, my best bud is the one and only ALEX BELLEW. What an idiot (Crookes, not Bellew).

A stunning run from Colleen Wilson was probably down to anger she has been brewing since Manchester relays. In the car on the way there she said (and I directly quote) “Elliot Jackson is a horrible, horrible man in bed”. I may have taken this out of context slightly…….

Canada’s Bronwyn Hodgins was hoping to cap off her fine comeback season since migration but following an untimely fruity friday in the lead-up, found herself on her own for much of the race as it progressed but still comfortably finished a very solid 17th.

Senior Women – two small and three large laps

GB international athlete and fell runner, James Walsh won his umpteenth west Yorkshire title with consumate ease. The (not sure what age – i’d guess mid twenties, maybe a few years older) – old athlete followed up some fine performances at mountain hut which saw him overtake cyclists up a particularly steep hill with an easy 31 second win. Apparently it was “too easy”.

Up for the students were Beau Smith, Tom Powell, Finn Affleck-Brodie, Seb Goodall and Jack Woodcock.

Before the race me and Jack put on a bet to see who would win out of us two. A very silly bet on my part as the man mountain has been thrashing me in training. Basically whoever loses when we race each other this season has to buy the other a meal.

Jack set off the fastest around twentieth and I didn’t want him to get too far ahead so I stuck on his shoulder. Just behind was Beau Smith who powered ahead of me and Jack at the end of the first large lap at a point where I unfortunately went over on my ankle slightly, fortunately I ran it off in the coming two minutes. About 40 seconds down were Finn and Seb who were running together.

Beau endeed up coming a great 22nd in a strong field. After gaining a few seconds on Jack he absolutely SMASHED the last few hundred metres to finish 32nd and I fannied around the last hundred metres and lost many places to finish a 37th. Seb Goodall ran a Greg/ Bellew/ Sensible race and finished about 15 seconds behind me in 40th. Finn, ever the optimist, came 67th and said “Pissed off, absolute shambles. That is all”.

Mid-race Jack Wood said to me “I know who you are. I know what you want. If you are looking for an easy victory, I can tell you won’t get it. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you break away from me now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will beat you on a sprint finish”. Unfortunately I didn’t get rid of him and now I am in his debt for 1 portion of fish and chips. I was so annoyed with Jack after this I referred him to Marco from Trepoja, famed for taking my mate Bryans duaghter.

Overall a great day for the Uni, especially on the girls part. Sorry this report was so sensible, normal service will be resumed next week.

Hugs and Kisses

Tom Powell – Press officer and temporary (perhaps one day soon more permanent) race captain

xoxoxoxo

Manchester Relays Race Report – 2012

Investigative study into the performance of Leeds University Cross Country Club at the annual Manchester Cross Country Relays

Author: Powell, T.J

Abstract

Good solid consistent performances from everyone. Better than average performance from DJ Crizzle. In addition excellent wins from the Rhino’s and the mighty whites made it a stunning day for Leeds in general.

Aim

To thrash both Leeds Metropolitan ‘University’ and the filth that is Alehouse (for freshers this is code for Manchester) over a 6 x 1.9 mile (mens) and 3x 1.9 mile (womens (though less important as women are the inferior species)) at the annual Manchester University cross country relays.

Introduction

Saturday started off the same as most University Relays, with meeting at the Parkinson steps at 10 am, a full 4 hours before the race. Freshers you have the race captain Luke Buswell to thank for this. To escape further Buswell mistakes in the future, when voting in next years committee meeting please vote for a Mr N Crizzle as he doesn’t waste the clubs money unlike Mr Car Crash Buswell. In fact he saves it, e.g. instead of buying expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms he buys normal ones and fills them with frozen peas. If you dispute this with Luke its likely he’ll react as vigorously as iron when placed in concentrated sulphuric acid (de Lima et al.,2012)

In the car to Manchester I was seated with two freshers, Emma Radcliffe and Becky. Unfortunately we got slightly lost at one point and I wasn’t really paying attention where we were going. A bit silly considering I have made the journey at least 60 times (I’m being serious). When Becky learnt of this she looked most displeased and I was worried for my life as she had a thunderous tone to her voice. At one point it looked like an argument arise in which a crash would result, causing whiplash to all of the cars passengers (Geiger and Aliyev, 2012). Fortunately I diffused the situation by telling her a top tip (see my facebook profile daily for equally useful tips)“Manchester United Fans: Save money on expensive replica kits by simply sellotaping a penis to your forehead. This way it is clear where your allegiances lie”. Take note of this James Stringer.

Materials

* Spikes

* Official University of Leeds Cross Country Club Vest

* Shorts (Elliot Jackson)

* ROOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBB JJJOOOHHHHHNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN

* Several condoms

* 1 bag of birdseye peas

* Several yellow items

Note: Although passing over to the dark side of the Pennines passports are not needed, unlike the Edinburgh race in a few weeks.

Results

Fig1 – Graph to show how Doss set off ahead of Alehouse the entire relay.

Fig 2 – Times from 3 mens team put forward. NOTE : top performances came from Jackson (officially 9.19.32 due to incredibly accurate timing), Alzheimers, Phair (considering lack of training the best run of the day) and Powell (2nd leg). Also top performance from Nicholas Crizzle (no relation to performance during the race). Also note that I have referred to as Stringer and Bellew by their first names. This is because they are such huge LADS they are normally reffered to by their surnames so I thought I’d reverse the naming system for them.

Fig 3 – Table to show times from 5 ladies team put forward. NOTE : top performance came from Bromwyn Hodgins. What a brilliant run. I mean flippin hell she’s verging on the men’s A team with runs like that.

Discussion

Men’s

All the men’s team got off to fantastic starts (YAY) by superb runs from future big Dosser Beau Smith, Glenn Phair and Rob Johnson. Rob tried to fool us by saying he didn’t want to run despite the fact he’d travelled down from London. What a Joker! It was also slightly embarrassing when I introduced my self to Beau that I knew who he was and have raced Beau many times since the U-13s but he had no idea who I was. Also what a bloody good run from Glenn- he’s barely run for a year! Some say his run was similar to the way in which oxygen enters the metalloenzyme Copper Amine Oxidase(Sun et al., 2012)

In addition the A team missed promising fresher Finn Affleck-Brodie due to his weird pastime of doing GCSE’s. He has now passed 87! They also missed Callum Greenwood who was part way through a big-mac when the race commenced.

Second legs were ran by Bellew, Mark O’Kane and DJ. Bellew seemed happy enough with his leg, and DJ was happy enough to get his leg over. Mark O’Kane ran a nice solid leg before handing over to Jamie Richardson. Nicholas ‘the new Elliot Jackson’ Crizzle only had to say “Spice up you’re sex life by trying a bit of ‘Rodeo sex’ . Take you’re woman from behind and , holding on tightly to her jugs , call her by the wrong name. See how long you can stay mounted for”. DJ you dirty, dirty man. I should also mention that Bellew beat a filthy metty by the name of Chris Wright.

For the third leg Powell was up for the A team and a cheeky glance between the two best buds inspired Powell to run a stormer in 9.55. It was the best thing since January the 3rd (remember the date, we beat the team that we f***ing hate!). O’Kane and DJ handed over to Jamie Richardson ad Shane Adams who ran respectable first runs for cross country.

In the fourth legs Stringer kept the A team up there with a solid 10.02. Elliot ‘horrible’ Jackson ran 4th for the B team with a not so horrible 9.19, with a certain Mr Evans running an equally not so horrible 9.40.

A delighted Chris Smith ran a great 9.37 for the 5th leg in the A team. Delighted because he didn’t crash on the way here, not because of his great run. Alex Bellew ran a solid 10.17 and Jacke Williams kept the C team looking strong.

Dan Roberts did brilliant to bring the A team home in his first run for the club. Tom Powell was delighted to bring home the second team in 10.14 (2nd leg). This was the first time I’d ever even got close to Bellew so was very pleased. It now makes the score 193 – 1 in Bellews favour. I feel one day I will catch him up. To be honest this was only after he thrashed me in the first leg aswell. Jamie Reynolds ran a highly creditable run to bring home the uni in 11.16.

Lovely ladies

Firstly what a great turn out for the girls. Seriously good effort!. This is undoubtedly the best ladies team I have ever seen (the Swedish ladies beach volleyball team I saw at the Olympics non-withstanding).

All 5 first leg runner got the teams off to a great start with Lucy Crookes leading the way with a great 10.51. There was a fair bit of panic before the start as nobody knew where Lucy was. I said “look for the girl with kaleidoscope eyes and she’s gone”(Lennon et.al 1967). Bethan ‘The Cap’ Davies ran a great leg in 11.55 to set off her cross country season to a flyer with Rebecca Jameson, Tabitha Bryant and Emily Fraser all running good legs for the C,D and E teams.

Caroline Ford showed her athletic prowess by running a great 11.15 to keep the uni in the hunt for a top 10 spot. Big Dog Anne-Marie Moore and Emma Radcliffe put in more great runs for the club as they have both done for many a year. Ellie and Hannah both also ran great legs, showing a stunning strength in depth for our club.

Colleen Wilson brought the A team home in 11th position. Great running! Bromwyn Hodgins overtook Glenn Phair as my personal pick for run of the day in a staggering run. Jessica Dinkins ran a very nice 12.30 for her first run of the year, with Lucy Crookes running another very nice leg in 11.21. Well done SBB. Catherine Garbutt braught the D team home in their fastest time in a speedy 12.25.

Acknowledgments

In the writing of this race report I’d like to thank the undying friendship of the IT bossman. I’d also like to thank the inspirational presence that is Nicholas Crizzle, what a LAD.

Matt Crehan couldn’t attend to relays due to an illness on his fathers part. On behalf of the club we all wish him a full and speedy recovery.

Thomas J Powell

University of Leeds Cross Country Club Press Officer 2011-2013 (assuming I don’t get sacked after this ‘race report’

DE LIMA, G. F., DE OLIVEIRA, C., DE ABREU, H. A. & DUARTE, H. A. 2012. Sulfuric and hydrochloric acid adsorption on the reconstructed sulfur terminated (001) chalcopyrite surface. International Journal of Quantum Chemistry, 112, 3216-3222.

GEIGER, G. & ALIYEV, R. M. 2012. Whiplash injury as a function of the accident mechanism Neuro-otological differential diagnostic findings. Unfallchirurg, 115, 629-634.

LENNON,J., McCARTNEY J.P. 1967 Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band Track 3.

SUN, J., MORITA, H., CHEN, G., NOGUCHI, H. & ABE, I. 2012. Molecular cloning and characterization of copper amine oxidase from Huperzia serrata. Bioorganic & medicinal chemistry letters, 22, 5784-90.

Mountain Hut Report – 2012

Co-Written by journalist Tom Powell (Best bud of the IT boss man and writer of ground-breaking journalistic works such as “Manchester relays 2011” and “Anaemia for the common man (Forward by Luke Buswell”) and Lucy Crookes (Lover of the IT bossman andupcoming Ladies Race captain)

Note: Fans of Powell’s previous works will notice that this report is written in the fashion of a diary, unusual but in this case very effective (To re-read said articles, please refer to the gryphons website)

Friday 7th September – Powell

Around 2 o’clock in the afternoon I was awoken from an unusually long lie in by a phone call from fellow student Simon O’Meara who fancied a lift to mountain hut despite on several occasions previously insisting he didn’t need a lift. Reluctant to help this man considering next year he is moving to Alehouse, being a nice man though I couldn’t resist. About 4.00 Simon came round to my house (which is in Manchester) and we set off to Ambleside. Upon reaching Ambleside I noticed fellow Dossers Matthew Lockyer, Peter Webster and Chris Fall also getting out of a vehicle. Following this me and the ladz proceeded to the pub and Simon cycled to the mountain hut. After a few hours of exiting pub games (including a particularly memorable game of dominos, in which Chris insisted a double blank domino was a ‘magic domino’ and could be played at any point in the game) we had some fish and chips and met up with the rest of the Doss (about 30 of us in total) before finally driving to the mountain hut. At this point I had had several pints and had forgotten about Simon, It ended up his tyre had punctured and was stuck outside the hut freezing his tits off for about 5 hours while everyone else was getting pissed in the nice warm pub. It was then time for bed in some very nice bedrooms (provided you weren’t in the same room as Apple pie(the name of a man)). For future hutters BRING EARPLUGS.

Saturday 8th September – Powell

Having been awoken by an extremely loud Leon Rickets fart pretty much everyone got up and set off for a very gentle run for about 4 miles at about 8 o’clock and the was greeted with breakfast when getting back to the hut. I only had a quick bowl of cereal (I don’t like running when too full) while very nervous about the 11 o’clock long run which was further than I’d ever run before. When setting off for the long run I initially felt good and tried to keep up with Oz and a Dossers son called Linton which I largely did for most of the way. Unfortunately my lack of breakfast was a pivotal mistake and I ran out of steam about 9 miles in and everyone laughed at me on the last two miles. Also at this point I realised I’d forgotten my waterproof coat as it started raining. Fortunately I had remembered my spare. (Note: there are also slower groups and walking groups). Once back to the hut I enjoyed a wash and then some soup and sandwiches and then some chill out time in order to reflect on what genuinely was a beautiful run. In this time I thought it would be fun to imagine I was small by sitting in a big tree and pretending it was a bonsai tree and eating a king sized mars bar. It was.

It was then time for a great time of the day in preparing tea outside the hut in the sunshine and learning how to cut onions and several other exotic vegetables such as garlic for tea. For those who are unaware of my eating habits I like plain food and while everyone else had curry and mash, I had mash and mash. It was then time for the pub in which several more lemonades were consumed and I laughed as two 17 year olds struggled to hold down their first beer. The two highlights of the night were the mars bar challenge in which you had to put your hands behind your back and devour a mars bar as quickly as possible. The hardest part of this was getting the chocolate out of the wrapper, this is unless you are Mick Hill and you just eat the wrapper as well. The second highlight was that Matt, Pete and Chris had ambled off at 10 in the morning on a pub crawl in the opposite direction from the pub where everyone else was (This was so Lockyer could complete his 365 days, 365 pubs, 365 pints challenge), so it ended up they had to pay £50 for a taxi. Harsh I know, but it is funny on reflection. Another thing that confused me was some of the older dossers insisted on referring to World war 1 as ‘The great war’? Surely World War 2 with its higher death toll and use of atomic weapons was loads better.

Sunday 9th September – Lucy

I arrived at the hut on Sunday afternoon and was greeted by various members of Doss AC who had begun to cook ‘Slobin’s nuts’ for tea. This was named after the head chef for the evening, Slobin, and involved nuts. I’m not actually a fan of cashew nuts but did like the dinner, and even had ‘compulsory seconds’, not knowing that there would be large quantities of tinned sponge to consume after the main course. I was left feeling fairly stuffed. After dinner it is customary to go to the Newfield Pub 4 miles down the valley and drink copious amounts of ale. I enjoyed hearing stories of previous mountain hut antics, and the subjects of pissing, snoring and farting regularly featured in the conversation. I learned of certain members sleeping in the road, pissing in the dormitories on other dossers possessions, and wondered what I had let myself in for. The dossers are very kind to students and many a time tried to buy me beer. I had to try a few varieties of beer just to ensure that I did in fact hate the taste. I feel I need to change this though, as a major part of being a dosser is the love of beer. They also introduced the students me Simon and Tom to a little game, ‘How many glasses on the table?’ which turns out to have nothing to do with glasses or tables (a tip for future students) and took Tom Powell a good 24 hours to suss. We returned and went to bed, where I had to lie completely still in order to sleep due to the outrageous squeakiness of the bunk.

Monday 10th September – Lucy

In the morning I broke a personal record by moving from a state of deep sleep to outside and ready for the breakfast run in approximately 3 minutes. Having only just arrived at the hut and fuelled by a large nutty spongey feast the previous night I felt fairly fresh, unlike others who had endured some tough fell running over the weekend. We got back, did not shower, had breakfast and prepared for the next run from Elterwater. It was quite rainy but a good temperature for running. Despite the fact that no one was sure of the route we managed to find our way up to Stickle tarn(?) overtaking Romper on the way. After pausing at the tarn we made our way through the mist in a direction nobody was sure was right. For this reason we ran around through the bogs and over little mounds in search of an acceptable route down. Lucy N made several attempts to use the map but these were thwarted by Rodders who proceeded to run away in random directions like a hyperactive terrier.

As usual the aim was to find the pub in Elterwater so the pintage could begin. We got there, and after a chilly dip in the river, I enjoyed a large portion of chips and no beers. We soon got back to the hut where a bit of chilling commenced. For the first time in my life I did a Guardian crossword, something I didn’t anticipate doing until retirement, but it was enjoyable I must admit. Apple Pie and Levery made a valuable contribution to working out the answers. Clue: Norway lobster, Levery: ‘It’s obviously NORWEGIAN CRUSTACEAN’. (In thick yorkshireman accent). Too many letters Mike. Paul Penis was in charge of the cooking that evening so we began a monster chopping session. I chopped 15 cloves of garlic, which caused my hands to smell for the following 3 days. Eventually a tasty pasta with lots of veg swimming in sauce came out of the kitchen and satisfied the hunger we had built up. It must have been good as even Tom Powell ate it. Unsurprisingly we soon found ourselves in the Newfield Inn, where this time we played drinking games such as ‘Wild wild west’ and ‘Ibbly Dibblies’ but as me and simon were not drinking beer we were obliged to consume sachets of condiments on the table such as ketchup or salad cream. We returned to the hut, did not shower and then went to bed. During the night I was awoken by a revving motorbike outside the hut. No, it was actually the snoring of a dosser named Glass Penis. It was around 2 o’clock and even the industrial ear plugs which I had stolen from the DT department did nothing for me. As I lay there I could hear others stirring and shuffling in the squeaky bunks as they battled to sleep with the chainsaw-like snorts of the man in the next bunk cutting through the peaceful silence in the dorm. After about an hour, I bailed and escaped to the girls dorm, where I enjoyed a good half-nights sleep, despite the constant procession of feet down the stairs of the dorm next door, which was Romper visiting the toilet. Ah well, better that than pissing on Levery’s clothes.

Tuesday 11th September – Lucy

I got up and found that everyone in the dorm I had been in had suffered as a result of the snoring. They should have followed suit and joined me and Lucy N in the quiet girls dorm.(Although it is reported that the snores of Apple Pie in the next room can often be heard through the wall). Having heard about my movement during the night, Mike Levery went upstairs, stood over the snoring dosser and said ‘Ive ‘eard about you, YOU NOISY BASTARD’, causing him to feel guilty and vow to sleep in his car the following night. We did the morning run again, did not shower and ate breakfast. Our group were meant to leave at half 11, but due to the failure of Mick Hill (presumed dead) to turn up and collect our bags to take to Ravenglass, we began the run at about half 12. Another dosser had (not reluctantly) volunteered to drive rather than run to the pub with our bags so the problem was solved. We said goodbye to Simon O’Meara who embarked on his bike ride back to Sherwood Forest. (A multi-day trip in which he planned to sleep in a plastic bag in a field each night.) The run was very long but very enjoyable with great views and a brief stop at a pub. Surprisingly the dossers did not have a pint, they had squash. It was after the pub stop that I began to feel tired, having not run for over 2 hours before. Muncaster fell was a bog and very energy sapping in the latter stages of the run, and I was glad to get to Ravenglass. We got to the pub, ACTUALLY SHOWERED, and sat down to enjoy the rest of the day consuming large quantities of food and beer. The world famous Ravenglass Railway museum had been highly recommended to me by certain dossers so it thought it only polite to attend when they made a trip to it. For the 50th year running, Mike Levery studied every single information board with the deepest of interest, hindering the rest of the group’s movement through the museum. Therefore when halfway round we were asked to leave the museum as it was closing. We could still visit the gift shop though, and Tom Powell decided to relive a bit of his childhood by purchasing a snake (yellow for doss reasons). Meanwhile Levery marvelled over the sight of an old man with a huge beard washing a steam train with a sponge. ‘I wonder if he knows what a privileged job he has’ – Levery. Eventually after we had exhausted all the points of ‘interest’ at the Ravenglass Railway Museum, we headed back to the pub, and I ate yet more chips and we all amused ourselves by playing with the snake. Hours of fun. Games of happy families, the old maid, and tiddledy winks ensued along with many stories from romper about nuns and experiences with girls on horses. A coach came to pick us up at half past 10 and took us back to the hut with a wee stop halfway to ease the strain of 8 pints of ale on the dosser’s bladders. Many songs were sung including bohemian rhapsody and Romper’s favourite wheels on the bus. All in all an excellent day, followed by a good night’s sleep, as Glass Penis had been relegated to the snorers’ dorm.

BUCS XC Champs Race Report – 2012

It would not be cross-country if there was not awful weather and freezing conditions. Appropriately, this years snow came BUCS, leaving the grounds at Cardiff a winter wonderland, with the levels of snow well over the ankles in some areas of the course. However, this did not put off thousands of runners from all uk uni’s digging deep, both psychologically and physically, to complete the races.

The Women’s race, over 7.5 km, was won by Hannah Walker in a stunning 24.08. This race exposed the rising star of the uni team, Rebecca Jameson in which her and Lucy Crookes where in the top ten at beginning of the race. Into the race Lucy realised her mistake and dropped back, whereas Becky held on before both athletes faded toward the end to finish 59th andd 63rd respectively. Our most experienced runner Mary Ferrier completed her 6th and final BUCs used her experience to work her way through the field finally pipping Crookes on the finishing straight to finish 62nd. Amicia Lee finished in 191st, Hannah Krraus in 273rd, Fiona Wiles in 281st and Bethan Hammons in 285th.

Leeds University had six runners in the Men’s A race, a tough 10.6K. Spookily 666 men completed the course in a massive field. The winner was Jonny Hay in a speedy 30.02,. World Champion triathlete Jonathan Brownlee was Leeds University’s first finisher, in 30.43 which placed him in 5th position. Club captain Fredd slemeck placed a great 69th, with Ben Marriot in 103rd, Kit secretary Luke Buswell in 151st who likened the snowy conditions to “running through iron” and Elliot Jackson in 35.39. Brownlee had no older brother for competition as in Varsity only a fortnight ago, but managed to stay in front pack until last lap where fell behind slipping into 4th on the wooded section, then down into 5th on the almost cruel and demoralising 500m finishing straight. his postion aided the mens team to finish a brilliant 10th, just ahead of our rivals leeds me

After such a taxing race, and indeed cross-country season, it is unsurprising that LUUCCC now look enthusiastically on to the spring and summer seasons. For some this entails track events, for others the road running season, and for others the London Olympics!

 

Manchester Relays Race Report – 2011

At the weekend LUUCCC competed in their first event of the year, the Manchester University x-country relays. The race consisted of a 2.1 mile loop around the university playing fields on a mostly flat course,  made significantly harder due to the conditions which were incredibly cold, wet and windy. This proved to be a challenge to some of the less experienced runners. Many of which commented on how they struggled running into a strong headwind over the the last few hundred metres.

The Men’s race commenced at 2.00pm, with 6 people required to complete a team in a field of over 50 teams in total. The winners of the race were Birmingham University A team (again!) with a cumulative time of 1.04.47 despite Salford University’s Joe Bailey completing the fastest lap of the day in 10.19. Leeds University entered an A and B team, with the A team having a closely run contest with Leeds Met for most of the race. The A team got off to an excellent start thanks to international star Freddie Slemeck with a fantastic time of 11.07. The club captain passed on to team mate Alex Bellew who ran 11.05 which marked a fantastic return to form following a series of injuries. They were supported by their team mates Elliot Jackson (11.52), a slightly tired looking Matt Crehan (11.56) due to a hard week of training, Callum Greenwood (12.00) and Luke Buswell who ran a fantastic final leg in 11.33 to finish 9th in the race. The B team also got off to a good start with Seb Goodall (11.39), Phil Sesseman (11.22), Chris Smith (12.20), James Raven (11.41), Tom Powell (12.08) and James Reynolds (13.57). The real stars of the B team were Chris Smith and Tom Powell. Unfortunately both ran with injuries but insisted on running and provided two crucial legs for the B team. Ex-race captain Alex Bellew noted that he was “…very impressed by the boys’ team spirit – they have both done the team proud”.

The women’s race started just 5 minutes after the men’s contest and required 3 runners to compete for each team. LUUCCC entered two teams, both of which featured a blend of freshers and some more experienced university runners. The A team finished a deserved place of 20th with a fantastic run from first year Caroline Ford (14.10) who provided the base for the team which showed the strength at the top for LUUCCC women’s running. The A team was completed by Emma Radcliffe (14.59), and Bethan Davies (15.26). The B team came in with a respectable 31st place with runs from Elizabeth Gedling(15.13), Meg Hayes (18.39) and a second from Caroline Ford (15.06).

Overall it was a great day out for Leeds University who showed their class against some of the best Universities and club teams in the country. Men’s race captain Elliot Jackson spoke after the race:  ”It was a fantastic race today, especially by the men’s B team. I was also impressed by some of the freshers runs such as Seb Goodall and Phil Sesseman. They have definitely helped strengthen the depth in the  team which was maybe lacking in previous years”

Summer report – 2012

Summer report

 

            Our generous captain has asked me to dust off my top notch journalistic  skills over the summer as unbelievably I got re-elected as press officer, despite annoying several people with my cut-throat style and along the way smashing an easter egg.  So anyway Bethan has politely asked me to produce a grammatically sound body of work to inform the british public on some of the activities the Doss have been getting up to this summer. At this point however I should point out to any future freshers who are reading these for a bit of background on the club, press officer is the most prestigious position within the team (obvious I know, I just wanted to avoid any confusion).  I also thought it polite to ask Bethan to write a forward, but I thought it easier to write one for her as its obvious what she would say.

Forward – ‘Bethan Davies’

 

            “Becoming the captain is a huge honour for me and I am extremely proud to have the number two position within the club. I am also proud to head the best committee the club has seen in years. I also feel having Luke Buswell as mens race captain is a huge bonus, and I’m sure he won’t cause any controvosy when picking men’s teams” (note sarcastic tone for latter statement)

Report

            This summer has proved very eventful for the Doss and many events have taken place for Leeds athletes.

            The biggest summer event for students this year of course was chunder mile with some inconsistent performances round.  Peter Webster led the way with some insane drinking and running skills and ended up thrashing the rest of the field. Not entirely sure on the time, but re-watching the video still makes me feel slightly poorly, its almost as bad as breathing in Lancashire air. Adam “back on the road”/”Gricey” Grice finished in second with a decent gap between him and third place Bethan Davies. Davies , the only woman in the field, unbelievably completed the pint, lap, pint, lap, pint, lap, pint, lap downing pints of gravy. A stunning achievement, possibly matching those of the Brownlee brothers in the Olympics (they will be discussed later). Davies claimed her amazing run was down to some revolutionary early morning training “I sprint flat out for two hundred yards as soon as I leave the house, thus eliminating the embarrassing run for the bus as it pulls away from the bus stop”. I should also note that after the chunder mile some of us went out for lunch and Bethan had yet more gravy with her dinner! Behind Bethan Elliot Jackson finished fourth, a disappointing performance from the pre-race favourite. Tom Powell and Danny Jones finished fifth and sixth ironically in a sprint finish after the two trotted round for the first three and a half laps. Note: Unbelievably John Cocker missed this

The Leeds endurance athletes have particularly impressed this summer with Danny Jones, Jocelyn Payne, Lucy Crooks and  Jimmy Gardner being in decent nick (Gardner recently to a lesser extent).

Payne is in the middle of her latest marathon campaign in which 2hrs 55 is the target. When asked for a quote on her training she said “Sure, I’m running 90+ miles a week with just over 7 weeks to go. I’m trying to get my preparations perfect so that I can get the 2.55 which I tried to get in London but missed. I’m really appreciating having so many LUUCCC members (past and present!) and other runners as company for the hardest sessions and long runs as they are pretty lonely if you have to do every one by yourself! This season I’m adding lots of things to aid the running training, like strength and conditioning, aqua-aerobics, weights and yoga, and really trying to get my nutrition and resting spot-on. However, I am a little surprised I didn’t get the call to replace Paula when she pulled out of the Olympic Marathon… perhaps they couldn’t find my number?”

And she’s right as there are many students who run and train at the club in the summer, with Simon O’Meara at the top of the pecking order. Actually this reminds me of a funny story. We were doing a session on the grass next to the hockey pitches at the Leeds Met track complexes. Anyway the hockey pitches are surrounded by these massive fences and at the top of one was an owl. It just so happened Martin Roscoe (the fastest 3k runner in the country) attended and started coming out with all these facts about it being a specific type of owl due to characteristic ears and it being out at a certain type of day, and that the owl probably escaped from captivity. When we approached the owl, it ended up being made of plastic!

Danny Jones also competed in the UK iron man (2.4 mile swim, 112 mile cycle and marathon)  and finished the race in  13 hours and 6 mins. This is unbelievable stuff and he attributed this to his diet and passed on his wisdom by saying  “Thicken up low fat yoghurt, by adding a spoonful of yard”. The iron man incidentally took place 5 mins walk from my house and I said I would go and watch, however I then learned it started at six in the morning and I fancied a lie in. Sorry Danny.

Lucy has made some massive strides this year (I mean in terms of improvement, not that she has massive legs, then again she doesn’t have short legs either, infact on second thoughts she does have slightly larger than average legs so she proably has made some massive strides in both senses of the word), and has finished 4th in a trial race for the European champs and gained her first England vest, which as history tells us will end up in extreme arrogance and dislike from the masses over the next year. She has also run 9.52 on the track (for 3k- not 100m unfortunately) which has qualified her to run in a grand prix as part of the diamond league. If she carries on at this rate Alex Bellew may even class her as a “Big Cat” (as supposed to dog, but I changed it to cat given her female nature).

James Gardner has been in the process of running 12 half marathons in 12 months and after doing a brill job for 7, running like 1hr 20mins or something like that, which is seriously shifting. But now unfortunately judging by the pictures has twisted his ankle and has taken a temporary break in his challenge.  I thought he maybe able to do a bit of cycling to keep his fitness up, but James couldn’t afford a bike. Unfortunately he has no money and decided to ask God for a bike. Obviously God doesn’t work this way so he ended up stealing a bike and asked god for forgiveness.

Oh and just remember to mention Bethan Davies came third in the UK championships. Well done lass!

I also just remembered to write a few lines about Johnny ( I coach him) and Alistair Brownlee who finished first and third in the Olympic triathlon, two Leeds university students. Potential students may have heard that Alistair is a student at Leeds Met. I will point out that this is a downright lie! There medals also took Yorksire in the medal table to about 10th which is a great performance from Gods home country.

So finally can’t wait for a new term in the so-called “movember month”, and recently theres been hints about a fanuary for the ladies to join in……… Personally I’m enjoying ‘whoregust’

Varsity Race Report – 2012

 

Leeds Relays Race Report – 2011

Leeds Relays race report

In advance I’d like to apologise to people I haven’t mentioned this article but with so many people running I would be typing for a long time to mention everyone.

This Saturday marked the Leeds University relays in which the Uni and Doss alike provided a great end to the year for the cross-country team. The weekend was made more eventful when Steve Cram graced the relays with his presence. For those of you who missed him he spent most of the morning talking to George Ghandi (the coach of Sebastian Coe), their was clear friction between the two as Ghandi is one of the main reasons why Cram never won an Olympic gold. As if to rub salt into the wound of not winning the Olympics, one man went over to Cram to taunt him about it, but unfortunately went below the belt by even shouting at him “You never won park run, you never won park run” – disgraceful behaviour Greg Hull.

The women’s race commenced at 2.00 with some great expectations for the uni on their home soil. The uni A team was made up by three quality athletes with all three running within 14 seconds of each other. First off was Lucy Crookes who came in in 13th position (12.34), passing on to Rebecca Middleton who gained a phenomenal 8 positions with a time of 12.33. The team was brought home by Jocelyn Payne in 12.20 to make the team finish in 6th place. The team put down their success down to some advice given to them by Greg Hull (what a day he had) “Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other day”

The women’s B team consisted of Amicia Lee who built on her PECO league success to finish 23rd in 13.14. She passed on to veteran Anne-Marie who gained three positions to finish in 14.08. The final leg was Beth Chasty who gained a further three positions to get the team to finish 17th in a time of 13.22.

The mens race started at 2.30 with some high expectations before the race to see how the university team could compete against not only other uni’s but the highly coveted team Powell. The A team got off to a flying start thanks to Elliot Jackson who came home in a frighteningly good 10.24. Jackson put his performance down to some stunning advice from his father as a lad “EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you’ll also be getting paid” But the real battle was between B team, C team and Team Powell. Matt Crehan from the B team set off with a characteristic aggressive start but was gradually hunted down by C team member Chris Smith and Team Powell member Tom Powell. With 500m to go Smith powered ahead of both athletes to finish in 10.56, with Crehan holding off Powell with a strong last few hundred metres in 11.03 and Tom Powell in 11.07.

In the second legs Elliot Jackson passed on to ex-England international Freddie Slemeck (I say ex as he does not deserve to be picked for England on current form) to finish in a mediocre 10.42. Chris Smith successfully relayed on to Alex Jeffries who built on his victory from the curly wurly relays midweek to finish in 11.39. In the B team Matt Crehan passed on to Alex Bellew who provided a 10.57 leg. Th B team held their lead over Team Powell with Richard Powell running exactly the same time as Bellew, with both runners being trapped in a cat and mouse game against each other.

The third leg for the A team was provided by Jacob Clarke in 10.35 gaining three position to bring the uni up to a incredible 4th place. With the B team comfortably higher placed than the C team it was up to Ben Marriot to pull out the goods – and my goodness he did it with a great leg of 10.36, which begs the question what on earth Slemeck was doing in the A team. Luke Buswell ran a slightly disappointing 11.12. However the guys had problems with his blood so I won’t dig into him so much, due to this problem Luke should probably stay away from driving for the next 100 years.

The fourth final leg for the A team came in yet another sub 11 minute rung with Josh Stone providing the time in 10.57 to bring the team home in 6th. With only a few seconds between the B and C team it was set for a stunning race between Callum Greenwood and Tom Heaword. Tom provided a great run in 11.16 of which he was very pleased, I was also very pleased as he was just behind my time and he was my aim to beat this weekend. Callum was disappointed to only run 11.32, however he’s a fresher and has spent a lot of time visiting various psychologists after being involved in Buswell’s driving. Due to both these performances the C team controversially beat the B team, which made Chris Smith happier than a tornado in a theme park. The C team was 15th and the B 16th.

Overall a fantastic day out for the cross country team. Committee member Philip Chambers said “An amazing race today and cheers to Mick Hill for helping with the mad rush of organising closer to the race than ideally wanted. Unfortunately we missed regular competitor John Cocker who seldom misses a training session, never mind a race”

It is also worth noting some of the beer racing, in teams of 4 some teams managed epic 35 seconds downing times. However the real beer downing mention is still Rob Johnson who maintained his ability to be the only man who times his beer downing speed with a calendar. It is worth noting that if a team of Rob Johnsons attempted to down 4 pints they would finish next Thursday between 3.15pm and 3.45pm.

As its got to the end of the year I thought I’d reward my loyal readers with an official top 10 performance list from the Doss this year. I’d also like to thank Alex Bellew for his invaluable input to this article and should be credited as a co-writer. As a seasoned journalist I feel he has a exiting future of sports journalism ahead of him.

Top 10 races

10) Matthew Lockyer – Edinburgh – A scintillating run from the Pudsey man saw him place 13th in a strong field. Although only the 3rd counter for the Doss that race he deserves a mention due to the hideous facial hair he was sporting that day which must have delivered so much wind resistance/ extra weight its a surprise he finished at all. Narrowly beat Hannah Gornall on this list who equally surprised people at Edinburgh by finishing, however it was not facial hair that slowed her down – it was the presence of her passport!

9) Luke Buswell – Wednesday run – In a gentle Wednesday run, Luke Buswell allegedly opened a gap to the rest of the group on a downhill section by 400m. An unexpected move clearly caught his co-runners off guard as he ended up winning Wednesday run by an unprecedented margin of victory. Buswell clearly brought his A game to the run and has inspired a new generation of athletes with his cunning tactics.

8)Richard/ Robert Powell – Leeds relays – A controversial choice considering neither of these two runners are affiliated with thee university, however two outstanding runs non-the-less. Richard provided a stunning second leg for “Team Powell” – a run which Alex Bellew ended up calling him a “little bastard” for causing a closely run contest between the two. Robert Powell also impressed by finishing around a minute behind both brothers when during the summer would have probably finished a minute behind over 400m (true story).

7) Alex Jeffries – Curly wurly relays – Although in a team with Tom Powell to convincingly win the prime relay event of the year it was Jeffries who ran the longer leg and despite looking absolutely knackered towards the end he managed to hold off Freddie Slemeck in a professional manner.

6)Chris Smith/Mr. Alzheimers – Manchester relays – Smith finished the race in a great time, which cemented his place as one of the universities top runners. Though it is not for his athletic skillage that he is included in this list, it is the fact he managed to pull out this superb run despite being subjected to the horrors of Buswell’s driving/ crashing – an incident that has left him scarred for life. Alzheimers said “When I die I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep – not screaming, like the passengers in his car”

5)Alex Bellew – Edinburgh – A great run from the co-editor of this article, it was immediately decided that this run was worth a mention in the top ten list in a performance that left Bellew so happy he decided to pull out his ‘joy stick’ – then again he does that regardless of how he runs. What is he like!

4) Frederick Slemeck – Slovenia – in his international début in Slovenia captain Slemeck (propelled by new shorts) finished an outstanding position in his first international meet. Slemeck put his performance down to advice given to him from a certain Gregory hull prior to the race “GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail”

3)Jocelyn Payne – Marathon – A stunning performance that deservedly sneaks ahead of Slemecks England Call and also caused her to become the highest ranked U-23 in the UK marathon ratings. Coach Greg Hull quoted “She’s a gal who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is”

2)James Walsh – European cross – An decent run caused the Leeds city man to finish 15th in the Europeans. Its a slightly tainted victory however, imagine how good he could have been if he took up my offer of coaching him. He obviously didn’t see the massive improvement of Jonathan Brownlee after I took over as lead coach.

1)Tom Powell – Parkrun – In the biggest race of the year an outstanding athlete won an outstanding race. Undoubtedly the best performance by any athlete in the club. Tom’s performance can be summed up in two words “Absolutely flipping brilliant”