Category Archives: 2012-2013

Doss in the Park Race Report – 2012

Doss in the Park Race Report

Authors: Powell T.P, Crizzle DJ

After several weeks of having to read crank-em-out, pile-em high shit lit that passes for modern day race reports, for one night only I have decided to write one last journalistic work of glory before official duties of press officer pass to the capable hands of Matthew Crehan. This time I am co-writing the report with my main man DJ Crizzle. This new partnership will enable us to bring the club round 360 degrees, and produce something that Captain Davies will need to apologise to nearly the entire Redbrick University community. Be ready people, I’ve eaten a lot of curry in true cross country fashion, and I’m sitting near a fan.

After writing this initial paragraph I realise I have lost the piece of paper on which had the only copy of the races times on it, due to the absence of fact I will bulk up the report with even more fiction than usual.

Only fourteen people ran in the race but plenty of other people turned up to help with timing and to have a big pub lunch so overall it was a good laugh and we’re pleased we did it. Even those who had had big nights at Fruity (why are other clubs even OPEN on a Friday?!) had a laugh, and so we can see that TP knows exactly how to put on a show. The first person to start was Louise Braine who set off at a deadly pace and looked to have the race in the bag, she however burst into a heavy nosebleed owing to the immense pressure on the second lap and felt it necessary to retire, though of course we would have loved to see her finish the race in glorious red war paint. She’s probably quite embarrassed about this so I thought it only fair to embarrass her some more by mentioning this in the report. It’s a shame the filthy hobbit who is Luke Buswell did not show up as he claimed he was too knackered the day before, yet still found time to have a big night out. It’s also a shame the fat lad (Greenwood in this instance) did not make an appearance, however he was worried he would carry too much momentum when rolling down the Hyde Park hills he would end up rolling straight into the A660.

Next up were Catherine Garbutt and Sophie Davis who ran together and were leading the field with only 1k to go. Unfortunately for them however Big Cat Emma Radcliffe was on the prowl and dispatched them over this final stretch to win this prestigious title. Garbutt and Davis finished drawn second.

Jocelyn Payne, Colleen Wilson and Lucy Needham set of next with predicted times around the 19.30 mark. This was a big race for Joss and claimed she was peaking specifically for this. In fact she’d lowered her mileage the last few weeks so as to get some speed work in and only ran 300 miles over the previous fortnight (300 more than Alex Bellew). Payne pushed the pace and Needham dropped off first, then so did Wilson at the end of the second lap. Next to finish was Big Phil Sessman who ran like a crazy animal and finished in less than 16 minutes which is fucking outrageous. He was followed in by DJ Sexual Predator and Ashley Bailey who both finished together in a sprint. DJ was very hungover after another heavy night out. He looked very disappointed all mornings after rumours of Bronwyn taking away the title of ‘club predator’. DJ’s a more consistent performer though so he’s still got my vote. George Best once said ‘I spend 90% of my money on women and drink, the rest I wasted’. DJ is like this except he doesn’t waste any money. It should also be made a note that Bailey had a big one the night before at Fruity (why do they even bother opening other clubs on a Friday?!) and he still rocked up to give a top performance.However Ashley was not quite as hungover or looking quite as awful as the DJ on that fateful Saturday morning, and so we’ll just assume that had they both been on top form, DJ would have nailed him (not in the way DJ nails women).

Chris Needham came in next, followed by Dave Alcock, who appeared to be wearing a top that was older than most of the students. Next was Mr Fish and Chips, no, not Alf Tupper but Jack Wood who didn’t even warm up and still ran 17.20. The field was braught home by Chi Trinh who is a very nice man and after he’s helped me a lot on my dissertation he seemed pretty hurt that I didn’t fix the handicap for him. Sorry Chi.

I think most people came after I announced the possibilities of prizes. I bet they loved those £5 up and running vouchers. I’d also like to thank my volunteers (especially Silver Surfer ‘:):):):):)’ Shan and Glenn Phair who looked particularly pedophilic with his ‘movember’ facial hair. Question: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? Answer: A pedophile.

The highlight of the day was definitely the Library Pub’s food, and if they read this, they should definitely find DJ Sexual Predator Crizzle and pay him for this promotion. It should also be pointed out that Thomas Powell esq. was a cheeky sort who did not bring any money to the pub and made DJ pay for his food and his lemonade (weak, didn’t even get a real drink). TP is in debt of £5 – let it not be forgotten.


WYL Race 1 Race Report – 2012

West Yorkshire league Race 1 – Wetherby

I best kick off this report with an apology. This report will actually be about the race and will feature none of my usual tangents and cut throat humour. Therefore my usual statements such as “COLOUR BLIND PEOPLE. Avoid accidents by getting out of your car at traffic lights to feel which one’s warm” and “CONFUSE the Google Street View car by running alongside it dressed as a house” will not be featured. I will also say Luke Buswell is not receiving any more insults, as he has bullied me incessantly this week and I want to avoid any of this in the future.

Senior Women

Doss AC’s Emily Birchill put in a great display to finish 4th in a 126 people strong ladies field, with student Lucy “picture yourself in a hut in a mountain” Crookes in 5th place. (I best explain this reference. I am planning to continue my references to John Lennon’s classic song ‘Lucy in the sky with diamonds’ in race reports, so I was going to put “picture yourself in a boat on the river” as the opening lyrics to the song go. However I felt this worked better given her attendance at the annual mountain hut trip).

To the fore of the field from the offset with Colleen Wilson (11th) and Bronwyn Hodgins (17th), Birchill and Crookes forged ahead over the testing 8 km course. Other dossers in the field included Lucy Needham (33rd), Catherine Whitfield (55th), Anne Marie-Moore (79th) and Hannah Lechert (93rd).

Crookes restored my faith in her sanity following this great performance as in a text before the race she referred to me as ‘best bud’. Obviously, as everyone knows, my best bud is the one and only ALEX BELLEW. What an idiot (Crookes, not Bellew).

A stunning run from Colleen Wilson was probably down to anger she has been brewing since Manchester relays. In the car on the way there she said (and I directly quote) “Elliot Jackson is a horrible, horrible man in bed”. I may have taken this out of context slightly…….

Canada’s Bronwyn Hodgins was hoping to cap off her fine comeback season since migration but following an untimely fruity friday in the lead-up, found herself on her own for much of the race as it progressed but still comfortably finished a very solid 17th.

Senior Women – two small and three large laps

GB international athlete and fell runner, James Walsh won his umpteenth west Yorkshire title with consumate ease. The (not sure what age – i’d guess mid twenties, maybe a few years older) – old athlete followed up some fine performances at mountain hut which saw him overtake cyclists up a particularly steep hill with an easy 31 second win. Apparently it was “too easy”.

Up for the students were Beau Smith, Tom Powell, Finn Affleck-Brodie, Seb Goodall and Jack Woodcock.

Before the race me and Jack put on a bet to see who would win out of us two. A very silly bet on my part as the man mountain has been thrashing me in training. Basically whoever loses when we race each other this season has to buy the other a meal.

Jack set off the fastest around twentieth and I didn’t want him to get too far ahead so I stuck on his shoulder. Just behind was Beau Smith who powered ahead of me and Jack at the end of the first large lap at a point where I unfortunately went over on my ankle slightly, fortunately I ran it off in the coming two minutes. About 40 seconds down were Finn and Seb who were running together.

Beau endeed up coming a great 22nd in a strong field. After gaining a few seconds on Jack he absolutely SMASHED the last few hundred metres to finish 32nd and I fannied around the last hundred metres and lost many places to finish a 37th. Seb Goodall ran a Greg/ Bellew/ Sensible race and finished about 15 seconds behind me in 40th. Finn, ever the optimist, came 67th and said “Pissed off, absolute shambles. That is all”.

Mid-race Jack Wood said to me “I know who you are. I know what you want. If you are looking for an easy victory, I can tell you won’t get it. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you break away from me now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will beat you on a sprint finish”. Unfortunately I didn’t get rid of him and now I am in his debt for 1 portion of fish and chips. I was so annoyed with Jack after this I referred him to Marco from Trepoja, famed for taking my mate Bryans duaghter.

Overall a great day for the Uni, especially on the girls part. Sorry this report was so sensible, normal service will be resumed next week.

Hugs and Kisses

Tom Powell – Press officer and temporary (perhaps one day soon more permanent) race captain


Manchester Relays Race Report – 2012

Investigative study into the performance of Leeds University Cross Country Club at the annual Manchester Cross Country Relays

Author: Powell, T.J


Good solid consistent performances from everyone. Better than average performance from DJ Crizzle. In addition excellent wins from the Rhino’s and the mighty whites made it a stunning day for Leeds in general.


To thrash both Leeds Metropolitan ‘University’ and the filth that is Alehouse (for freshers this is code for Manchester) over a 6 x 1.9 mile (mens) and 3x 1.9 mile (womens (though less important as women are the inferior species)) at the annual Manchester University cross country relays.


Saturday started off the same as most University Relays, with meeting at the Parkinson steps at 10 am, a full 4 hours before the race. Freshers you have the race captain Luke Buswell to thank for this. To escape further Buswell mistakes in the future, when voting in next years committee meeting please vote for a Mr N Crizzle as he doesn’t waste the clubs money unlike Mr Car Crash Buswell. In fact he saves it, e.g. instead of buying expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms he buys normal ones and fills them with frozen peas. If you dispute this with Luke its likely he’ll react as vigorously as iron when placed in concentrated sulphuric acid (de Lima et al.,2012)

In the car to Manchester I was seated with two freshers, Emma Radcliffe and Becky. Unfortunately we got slightly lost at one point and I wasn’t really paying attention where we were going. A bit silly considering I have made the journey at least 60 times (I’m being serious). When Becky learnt of this she looked most displeased and I was worried for my life as she had a thunderous tone to her voice. At one point it looked like an argument arise in which a crash would result, causing whiplash to all of the cars passengers (Geiger and Aliyev, 2012). Fortunately I diffused the situation by telling her a top tip (see my facebook profile daily for equally useful tips)“Manchester United Fans: Save money on expensive replica kits by simply sellotaping a penis to your forehead. This way it is clear where your allegiances lie”. Take note of this James Stringer.


* Spikes

* Official University of Leeds Cross Country Club Vest

* Shorts (Elliot Jackson)


* Several condoms

* 1 bag of birdseye peas

* Several yellow items

Note: Although passing over to the dark side of the Pennines passports are not needed, unlike the Edinburgh race in a few weeks.


Fig1 – Graph to show how Doss set off ahead of Alehouse the entire relay.

Fig 2 – Times from 3 mens team put forward. NOTE : top performances came from Jackson (officially 9.19.32 due to incredibly accurate timing), Alzheimers, Phair (considering lack of training the best run of the day) and Powell (2nd leg). Also top performance from Nicholas Crizzle (no relation to performance during the race). Also note that I have referred to as Stringer and Bellew by their first names. This is because they are such huge LADS they are normally reffered to by their surnames so I thought I’d reverse the naming system for them.

Fig 3 – Table to show times from 5 ladies team put forward. NOTE : top performance came from Bromwyn Hodgins. What a brilliant run. I mean flippin hell she’s verging on the men’s A team with runs like that.



All the men’s team got off to fantastic starts (YAY) by superb runs from future big Dosser Beau Smith, Glenn Phair and Rob Johnson. Rob tried to fool us by saying he didn’t want to run despite the fact he’d travelled down from London. What a Joker! It was also slightly embarrassing when I introduced my self to Beau that I knew who he was and have raced Beau many times since the U-13s but he had no idea who I was. Also what a bloody good run from Glenn- he’s barely run for a year! Some say his run was similar to the way in which oxygen enters the metalloenzyme Copper Amine Oxidase(Sun et al., 2012)

In addition the A team missed promising fresher Finn Affleck-Brodie due to his weird pastime of doing GCSE’s. He has now passed 87! They also missed Callum Greenwood who was part way through a big-mac when the race commenced.

Second legs were ran by Bellew, Mark O’Kane and DJ. Bellew seemed happy enough with his leg, and DJ was happy enough to get his leg over. Mark O’Kane ran a nice solid leg before handing over to Jamie Richardson. Nicholas ‘the new Elliot Jackson’ Crizzle only had to say “Spice up you’re sex life by trying a bit of ‘Rodeo sex’ . Take you’re woman from behind and , holding on tightly to her jugs , call her by the wrong name. See how long you can stay mounted for”. DJ you dirty, dirty man. I should also mention that Bellew beat a filthy metty by the name of Chris Wright.

For the third leg Powell was up for the A team and a cheeky glance between the two best buds inspired Powell to run a stormer in 9.55. It was the best thing since January the 3rd (remember the date, we beat the team that we f***ing hate!). O’Kane and DJ handed over to Jamie Richardson ad Shane Adams who ran respectable first runs for cross country.

In the fourth legs Stringer kept the A team up there with a solid 10.02. Elliot ‘horrible’ Jackson ran 4th for the B team with a not so horrible 9.19, with a certain Mr Evans running an equally not so horrible 9.40.

A delighted Chris Smith ran a great 9.37 for the 5th leg in the A team. Delighted because he didn’t crash on the way here, not because of his great run. Alex Bellew ran a solid 10.17 and Jacke Williams kept the C team looking strong.

Dan Roberts did brilliant to bring the A team home in his first run for the club. Tom Powell was delighted to bring home the second team in 10.14 (2nd leg). This was the first time I’d ever even got close to Bellew so was very pleased. It now makes the score 193 – 1 in Bellews favour. I feel one day I will catch him up. To be honest this was only after he thrashed me in the first leg aswell. Jamie Reynolds ran a highly creditable run to bring home the uni in 11.16.

Lovely ladies

Firstly what a great turn out for the girls. Seriously good effort!. This is undoubtedly the best ladies team I have ever seen (the Swedish ladies beach volleyball team I saw at the Olympics non-withstanding).

All 5 first leg runner got the teams off to a great start with Lucy Crookes leading the way with a great 10.51. There was a fair bit of panic before the start as nobody knew where Lucy was. I said “look for the girl with kaleidoscope eyes and she’s gone”(Lennon 1967). Bethan ‘The Cap’ Davies ran a great leg in 11.55 to set off her cross country season to a flyer with Rebecca Jameson, Tabitha Bryant and Emily Fraser all running good legs for the C,D and E teams.

Caroline Ford showed her athletic prowess by running a great 11.15 to keep the uni in the hunt for a top 10 spot. Big Dog Anne-Marie Moore and Emma Radcliffe put in more great runs for the club as they have both done for many a year. Ellie and Hannah both also ran great legs, showing a stunning strength in depth for our club.

Colleen Wilson brought the A team home in 11th position. Great running! Bromwyn Hodgins overtook Glenn Phair as my personal pick for run of the day in a staggering run. Jessica Dinkins ran a very nice 12.30 for her first run of the year, with Lucy Crookes running another very nice leg in 11.21. Well done SBB. Catherine Garbutt braught the D team home in their fastest time in a speedy 12.25.


In the writing of this race report I’d like to thank the undying friendship of the IT bossman. I’d also like to thank the inspirational presence that is Nicholas Crizzle, what a LAD.

Matt Crehan couldn’t attend to relays due to an illness on his fathers part. On behalf of the club we all wish him a full and speedy recovery.

Thomas J Powell

University of Leeds Cross Country Club Press Officer 2011-2013 (assuming I don’t get sacked after this ‘race report’

DE LIMA, G. F., DE OLIVEIRA, C., DE ABREU, H. A. & DUARTE, H. A. 2012. Sulfuric and hydrochloric acid adsorption on the reconstructed sulfur terminated (001) chalcopyrite surface. International Journal of Quantum Chemistry, 112, 3216-3222.

GEIGER, G. & ALIYEV, R. M. 2012. Whiplash injury as a function of the accident mechanism Neuro-otological differential diagnostic findings. Unfallchirurg, 115, 629-634.

LENNON,J., McCARTNEY J.P. 1967 Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band Track 3.

SUN, J., MORITA, H., CHEN, G., NOGUCHI, H. & ABE, I. 2012. Molecular cloning and characterization of copper amine oxidase from Huperzia serrata. Bioorganic & medicinal chemistry letters, 22, 5784-90.

Isle of Man 2013- The Snowy Edition

Over the course of this year I’d heard many stories from previous trips to Isle of Man. This meant the weekend had a lot to live up to, but that it did.

The 51st Isle of Man festival saw a much smaller gathering than that of the previous year, however its quality not quantity, which explains why Tom Powell wasn’t in attendance. The weekend started with an early rise and shine as we gathered in Liverpool ready for the weekend ahead. The group came in drips and drabs each all ready donning their yellow items. Being on your own in a yellow tshirt can look quite normal. Standing around in a group of people wearing yellow looks a little out of place but also acceptable. Turning up in a full yellow tracksuit with a yellow hat to go with looks horrendous but does the job.

The ferry trip over to the island was a fairly quiet affair. Elliot Jackson spent it sleeping off his previous big night out. The ferry also saw the draws for that evening’s beer racing trials. I should explain to those less informed that the beer racing is almost, if not as important, as the running races with official rules as to how the competition works published on the event website.

Due to the late arrival of our vessel we had a rushed visit to the hotel before heading down to catch coaches to the first race of the weekend. The first race was a 10km circular route starting and finishing in Port Erin. Unusually men and women raced together. First finisher for the Dossers was exstudent Tom Atkinson who came home in a fantastic 10th place. Freddie, Glenn and Bellew’s respective 13th and 19th and 20th secured the boys 3rd place in the team competition. They were shortly followed by Jacob. Seb “the fittest man in uni” (not just my opinion, he also won the Adamson bequest) scraped a sub 36 minute time in his first 10km and Dave smashed his PB on a hilly course. He also managed to beat an injury riddled Lucy “look for the girl with sun in her eyes” Crookes who was the 5th lady closely followed by Coleen who took 6th and Bethan in 13th. The girls secured 2nd place in the women’s team competition. DJ “predator” Crizzle was promoted to Men’s race captain, as he was top dog for the weekend I thought it only right that his full title be restored for this report. DJ “predator” Crizzle (whose race number was 69) took 110th, six places above partner in crime Ashley Bailey. The fastest sprint of the day goes to the lady in front of Rob Johnson, never have I seen someone kick so hard after looking over their shoulder, all the more impressive seeing as she wasn’t even part of the race.

The race was celebrated with a well deserved pint and the first of many glimpses of Freddie’s manhood that we were treated to that weekend. We headed back to the coaches but arrived late meaning there were limited spots available and unfortunately for Lucy the only seat was in the middle of Alehouse. After turning around I noticed that Lucy was surrounded by more sausage than a German Bratwurst festival, this then prompted me to realise that I couldn’t actually see any Alehouse women. It appears Alehouse women are about as common as unicorns, treat them mean keep them unkeen.

That evening saw the trials for the beer racing with first round match ups already decided we cracked on. The first round saw some fantastic performances although the hoped for major upset of the night of Elliot by Tabitha didn’t materialise. Second rounds were based on the times of the first pint with the closest matches put together. This threw up some interesting fixtures with one highlight being Bellew versus Bethan, Bethan won out although she was on the squash. Being a true

dosser Bethan only consumes yellow liquid; ironically orange squash is also the first choice of Alehouse. Bethan wasn’t the only one not on alcohol as Tom Atkinson took to the coca cola. The big match up however was between an off form Dan Whittle and relative newcomer to the sport Sarah Marsden. Dan however retained some dignity downing his pint in less than 9 seconds, beating Sarah. We then decided to head out. On our way we had to pass the Alehouse hotel so in true Bellend, I mean Bellew, fashion he gave their window a test. Freddie took the Doss Alehouse rivalry to a whole new level but fell short of a cardigan incident and calmly walked away again. On the way back from our night out, Jacob and I decided to go and see the Alehouse gang again. This is when we discovered just why Alehouse have so many chants. I have previously made jokes about our own hymn practice however Alehouse really does have hymn practice, not only that but they also have a hymn book to match. Despite being dressed up in yellow the slow witted Alehouse took a while to catch on to our presence before chasing us out the hotel.

The Saturday had a slow start with a general mooch around Douglas on the search for more yellow and horrific jackets. Early afternoon saw a coach ride across the island to Peel where the hill race was to take place. With Freddie and Lucy being fell racing experts Doss hopes were set high. To check that Freddie’s arm was in full working order Bellew tested it out for him that morning. The hill race was almost as horrible as our behaviour was at the now infamous Nottingham relays, the inclines were so great that Rob Johnson had to sit out again due to his fear of heights. That and it gave him a chance to chat to the local talent, it being the Easter holidays plenty was in abundance. The hill race was a bit of a mud and snow fest, Anne-Marie slid all over the place and by the end resembled a Glasgow uni runner (they wear mainly black with a little yellow) than a Doss one. This was much to the amusement of the marshals, who she told off for laughing at her, this only made them laugh more. There were some good results here as Freddie took 3rd, and the Doss men took 2nd in the team competition. Seb came 28th showing he should stick to athletics over gymnastics a point proved with a little help from Ellie Salvidge. The ladies fared worse with Crookes in 10th, Coleen 12th and Katrine 13th, this was enough to secure 4th in their team competition. Crizzle took the first of the worst title again taking it to two nil over Ashley Bailey setting him up for a potential grand slam.

After the hill race we set off on the longest race of the weekend, the cross island pub crawl. The aim is to run from one side of the Isle of Man to the other checking out the hospitality in as many public houses as you can. Transport is supposed to be by foot although cheating is allowed. Some of our girls were too keen to start drinking and started off without the rest of the club, we eventually caught them up a few pubs in. The soon to be annual upside down beer drinking competition took place with Tabitha giving it a go against Glenn. Tabitha took one Tabitha sized sip before deciding she was drowning, meanwhile Glenn wolfed his down in the time taken for a normal man to down a pint upright. On one run between pubs Dosser Paul decided that the road didn’t go that way and jumped over a wall into an 8 foot bramble bush, this left him with some nice battle scars for the next pub. This pub also saw Ashley Bailey show off his flexibility by picking up a lighter off the floor with his mouth without kneeling or putting his hands on the floor. Elliott showed off his inflexibility by failing to pick up the same lighter from a table applying the same rules. We left the pub and a van then pulled up, I won’t say exactly how many people we put in the back but it may or may not have been at least twice the amount of dwarves in Snow White, plus a random man that was already in there. This journey was rather interesting to say the least and without windows had no idea where we were going. At some point in the evening Bellew stopped for some Doss coloured refreshment courtesy of Freddie and Andy. After another pub we then finished the journey off with a well

deserved trip to McDonalds. Slobin proved he was still a student at heart and apparently physically as he borrowed a student card to get a free McFlurry. A certain Neil Buchanan lookalike took the opportunity to cement the line, “she was only 14”, into history. Meanwhile, Bellew and Elliot tried to order at the drive through only to discover they weren’t in a vehicle courtesy of the lady at the window. They then walked up to the next car to get them to order it for them, they swiftly walked on when they realised it was their friends in blue whom they had acquainted themselves with in Nottingham. I seem to then remember Bellew walking around and testing out most of McDonalds. Elliot “got fat” Jackson consumed so much reconstituted meat that McDonalds ran out and we had to leave. Saturday night saw the clocks jump forward, one of many hours lost that evening.

Sunday was the day of the 5km races. For the women this is a flat out race and the men take to it as a relay. The ladies did very well once again and Coleen Wilson took our highest finish of the weekend with a fantastic second place. With Seb pulling out Dave got promoted to the B team leaving a gap in the A team. Elliot Jackson stepped up and managed to run, almost well. The men’s C team came 4th. Ashley retained some dignity claiming back his first of the worst title by three seconds, avoiding a complete whitewash by Crizzle. Bellew’s time from this race was equal to the time he spent in the club that evening.

The afternoon saw the biggest annual sporting event between two universities, after which we sat down and watched the Oxford Cambridge boat race. The Doss Alehouse football match should probably be left out of this report due to the complete hammering we suffered; however it is an integral part of the weekend. After turning up without a football our warm up was carried out with a tennis ball found on the street. We had just about managed to scrape together a team for the fixture using every man we could get our hands on, minus Rob Johnson. Alehouse had turned up with a full team plus extras but still no birds. The first half didn’t go well and Alehouse managed to get a few goals past us. After which Elliot Jackson’s extra weight (not helped by the McDonalds) proved too much for his ankle as he fell to the floor and crashed out of the match. The match continued and by the end of the first half the score was 3-0. After a half time team talk and a quick game of digimon or tamagotchi we went into the second half with a new resolve and gravity on our side. Our new resolve was quickly destroyed, as another five goals flew past us. I would feel guilty for not saving all the goals another goalie could have saved (all 8) but we still only would have drawn. Man of the match has to go to Dan Whittle without whom the score probably would have been in double figures, although that isn’t really saying much. I was going to do a post match interview however in the words of Clare Balding, “no one wants to speak to losers”.

After a quick drink we headed out for a nice meal. Freddie gave a speech which was almost as inspiring as Jacob’s at the AGM. For this grand occasion Bellew decided a new haircut was in order and got Freddie to shave the Armani eagle into the back of his head. I use the terms shave and Armani eagle loosely, butcher and tetris would be more appropriate and I’m sure a gymnast would have done a better job. We then headed over to the evening venue for the presentations and the main event of the weekend, the beer racing. As we turned up late we were met by the normal chorus of abuse from Alehouse, at least their hymn practice didn’t go to waste, still no ladies though. First rounds went well with the Ladies A team and the Men’s A and B teams qualifying for the next round. The D team did alright and for the first time in his life Rob Johnson beat another team, I expect he drank faster to quell the chorus of “she was only 14”. Second round didn’t fare so well, the A team finished first but got disqualified due to Jim Webb deciding to take a shower mid race. The

ladies did better and in their semi final against Glasgow saw the Scots off at their own game. This put them into the final against Oxford Brookes, this being the sort of boat race that a poly partakes and excels in. The final was close but our ladies took the win causing Freddie to change the lyrics of his chant from “we all know women’s sport doesn’t count” to “it’s all about the ladies”. Freddie was also responsible for the pep talk which consisted of, “you need to win because we forgot to bring the trophy back”. Well done to Sarah, Katrine, Ellie and Anne-Marie our only winners of the weekend. Anne-Marie then proved what a bad winner she is by walking up to members of Alehouse exclaiming, “isn’t it hot in here”, and then fanning herself with her newly acquired plate.

The evening continued and Glenn’s redefinition of a dirty pint saw some members “decide” to go elsewhere. Before this, Bellew tried out gymnastics in front of an Alehouse crowd. After a case of mistaken identity I took on the Tom Powell tactic of switching tops to evade the law and once again this tactic paid off. Tom and Tabitha left to discuss ways to improve student alumni relations. Lucy Crookes set off on a mission that Bronwyn Hodgins could have achieved in half the time which involved a certain member of Alehouse. Despite making it back to the Alehouse hotel, Crookes failed and mission impossible proved impossible with Alehouse still being in possession of their hymn book. After leaving the club Elliot found half a yen on the floor, it was a bit rough looking but picked it up anyway. The night finished but the now standard post lash continued for another hour or so.

The trip to ferry the next morning at 6:30am after less than four hours sleep was the final challenge which this year everyone made. Needless to say there were a lot of conked out people on the ferry.

Overall it was a fantastic weekend and I’m sure to be returning as a fully fledged Dosser.


Alzheimers apologised for his lack of attendance but forgot where he was supposed to be going and boarded a flight to India instead. Tom Powell had no excuse.

Nottingham Relays Race Report – 2013

Leeds took part in the annual Ed Prickett memorial relays at Nottingham uni. Ed Prickett was a runner for Notts Uni and was tragically killed whilst attending the BUCS athletics competition. To commemorate him one of his running spikes was dipped in Bronze and is annually awarded to the fastest runner of the day by Ed’s parents.

The journey south was rather uneventful, Lucy “towering over your head” Crookes did however attempt to do a “Buswell” whilst trying to put her headlights on in some foggy conditions, whacking Tom Powell’s head on the window in the process. After Edinburgh you would have thought she might find the lights before setting off.

We arrived in Nottingham in plenty of time. First race of the day was the ladies. Representing Leeds Uni we had Sarah Marsden up first. Not having done too much mileage since injury she had a sensible race but at least this time she got to finish, unlike the previous Wednesday. Next up was Qianyi Zann Ng who stepped it up a level and gained three places. Last up was Rachel Friend who takes the title of fastest lass of the day who gained another two places but lost one finishing up in 14th place overall. The ladies watched the lads’ race and then departed allowing us to have a lad’s night out plus honorary lad Lucy Crookes.

The lads had been devised into three teams, two Uni teams and a Doss team. Phil was first up and led the way finishing the first leg in a decent first place. Freddie Slemeck crossed the line for the Doss team, one of many lines to be crossed that day. Alzheimers then placed the fastest time for the B team; he could have been quicker but stopped to reminisce about his time at university in Nottingham, before remembering he was supposed to be racing and got back on it. Second leg saw the pace step down a notch, with Alex Bellew losing two places on the way round, this wasn’t the only time he got beaten that day (the second came from a man with a cardigan). Tom Powell kept the B team in the mix with his speed, which was good practice for going on the run from the law later that night. DJ “big cat” Crizzle took the Doss team out of the mix as people flowed past him faster than the contents of his stomachs did later on. Third legs saw a decent effort by Glenn Phair equalling the time of Chris Smith, which wasn’t the only great time they shared that day as they also spent the evening sleeping in a car having dealt with the aforementioned Crizzle. Dan Whittle took the B team down a gear but still a decent effort. Elliot “got fat” Jackson, wobbled his way around the course in a time that was only slightly faster than Crizzle’s. This gave him the first of the worst title but also prevented Crizzle from winning a substantial amount of money had he beaten Jackson. Final legs saw Josh Stone maintain the A teams current position. Dave’s run was only half as impressive as his ability to pull a certain member of the Nottingham team (it’s alright Stringer it wasn’t your sister, though she did give her number to Elliot). Alex Bellew’s second leg was decent although he prefers to show off his third leg. Phil narrowly missed out on the Bronze boot by four seconds but came away with silver as the second fastest runner of the day. The A team were the third fastest uni team and took away Bronze medals.

Had the day stopped here it would have been a successful weekend, however we carried on to make it one of the most memorable weekends of the year. The evening entertainment kicked off with a trip to the pub to drown our sorrows as we watched Wales give England a sound thrashing in the rugby. We then partook in what is known as a travelling dinner party. This works by one house

hosting the starter, then you move on to another for a main and then move on once more for dessert.

The house we were staying at hosted the starter and we carried on drowning our sorrows. On route to house number two Bellew and Elliot followed the wrong people and walked into a random person’s house, they were quickly shown the exit. The main course of chilli was served up along with a box of punch, I feel this was Nottingham’s error and the turning point of the evening.

The route to the final house saw Bellew and Elliot walk into another random person’s house, before arriving for dessert. Dessert consisted of jelly, so after helping myself to a large bowl full I then discovered the jelly had a secret vodka ingredient. It was this house I had a panicked Tom Powell come up to me and say, “we need to change tops the police are after me”, and after initially wanting to go on the run he was convinced by excaptain Freddie to hide under a bed instead.

Now there was a longer report detailing the entire goings on from later on that night, but sometimes it’s best to follow the rules of fight club and not to talk about fight club. Some highlights however include; DJ’s dad driving from Leicester to collect him, TP calling a transvestite mate, TP being refused entry to a club for looking too casual, Dan Whittle taking offence to this, the bouncer taking offence to Dan taking offence and Crizzle being described as “the vilest man I’ve ever met”. Mix into that some fire extinguishers, Dan’s stolen burger, some ponies and policemen, you would then be half way to understanding what happened. You would also be a lot more informed than DJ Crizzle who was present for the weekend.

The next morning we made it to the Nottingham Sunday run much to the surprise of our hosts who had this to say about us on facebook;

Tom Crowley to Andy Watt- Kathy said she’s got no Leeds oiks at hers, are they at yours?

Tom Mahon- Andy was supposed to be having them. I wouldn’t be surprised if a few spent the night in a cell!

We showed them by arriving on time and before any of the Nottingham lot. We also managed to put in a solid 8 miles despite our predicament from the night before. Tom Powell however struggled to keep pace and looked rather the worse for wear at the end.

This was a brilliant warm up for the Isle of Man and I’m looking forward to the tenth edition next year; I hear the social is going to be wild.


BUCS XC Championships – 2013

I need to start this list of by first saying a hello to my international readers and apologise to Mrs Hodgins. It transpires that Bronwyn may not have told her mum about her little brush with the law which I mentioned in my last race report. Luckily however she had informed her Dad who had told her Mum.

Back to the main event, BUCS 2013 saw a return to the infamous Bodington playing fields, I’m sorry Weetwood playing fields north doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. This would be the largest event being held at the University of Leeds this year with 1200 runners in attendance (although apparently not a large enough event for a Leeds Student reporter to turn up to). The last time the event was held here was way back in 2005, a time when some of our current freshers were still in primary school and Alzheimers was young.

First up was the men’s A race and within the first one hundred metres everyone had a nice splattering of mud. Unfortunately this is the only dirt I have on the people representing Leeds Uni in this race as I don’t really know who any of them are. I still however watched the race and cheered enthusiastically as they went past (although I wasn’t a patch on Freddie’s efforts). Gordon Benson was our top finisher in a decent 6th place the rest all finishing in the top 100. The boys did good and picked up 7th place overall in the team competition. Importantly this was well ahead of the scum that is alehouse who left their speed and most of their runners back in Manchester to come in a low 35th position. This proves the point that no one should join Alehouse (Simon O’Meara take note).

The women’s race was up next and home hopes were pinned upon Leeds Uni’s Susan Partridge who had a decent performance but just like her fellow compatriots, the Scottish rugby team, missed out on the silverware, coming home in 4th place. She did however hold off a Met girl by two seconds, a victory in itself. On the first lap the next three Uni girls were working well together but Joss made a break and in her style got her A game out when it counted finishing 43rd. Colleen Wilson takes over the mantle as the best Canadian with her 51st place, and also took the mantle that evening for forming international relations between Leeds Uni and Canada. This left Bronwyn to follow in 72nd and have an unusually quiet night out (no police this time, your Mum will be pleased). Rebecca Middleton put in a cracking performance to come 79th and Hannah Drewett came in 92nd, putting six of our girls in the top 100 and taking 5th place in the team competition. Alehouse continued their shocking performance coming 48th.Other names to note are Jess Dinkins who brought home the only silverware of the day for Leeds Uni when she woke up on the Sunday with a BUCS silver medal, and I thought it was the Australians who are a nation of thieves. Tabitha Bryant had her own impressive run finishing the course despite losing both shoes along the way. On her last outing representing Leeds Uni, Miss Gold Coast 2010 made the most of every last minute on offer and still beat an Alehouse girl.

To break up the report my predecessor Tom Powell has kindly supplied a Tom’s tip of the day, “make people believe you are magic by vigorously shaking a bottle of talcum powder when you exit a room, thus giving the impression of you disappearing in a cloud of smoke”.

The real race was still to come. The course was by now resembling a hippo’s wallow. As we lined up for the start the normal banter and chanting was thrown around including some foul mouthed men from the Met who profusely exclaimed that they’d rather be at a poly than a c*** (I’ll give you a clue, that word isn’t cart, but may also end in a t). However, I would like to disagree with this statement and claim that I would rather be a winning c*** than at a losing poly. Also to the foul mouthed Met boy who posted on our varsity group, I would like to point out not only am I still masturbating over our athletics win, but also now over our varsity victory and BUCS performance. The lads had had hymn practice on Wednesday night, however the complicated song sheet sent out by choirmaster Glenn Phair was too long to cope with and instead of rising to the occasion we remained the bigger men and saved our breath for the race.

Josh Ridley was the top uni finisher in 18th. Bellew had a big performance, even though he was still carrying his injury pounds; however he showed he may be in his twilight years the next morning on the Sunday run, to quote him directly, “that’s a massive dribble, no wait I’m still pissing”. Glenn Phair had an average performance but was saving himself for all the running up and down the fruity staircase he had to do later on sorting out stupid teams such as Birmingham. Birmingham thought that they were the life and soul of the after party being the only team to remain in the terrace all night, they hadn’t realised everyone else was downstairs in fruity. You would have thought the lack of foam may have given away that they were in the wrong place; luckily for them their running skills are slightly better than their mental ones. Tom Powell had suspended his fish and chip battle with Jack Wood and concentrated his efforts on international bridge building within the society (do the maths). The suspension in battle was due to Wood’s 24 pint birthday challenge. Number eleven was consumed shortly before the race. Despite Alzheimer’s high hopes of beating Finn he had to settle for a position further down the field, he’d forgotten how fast Finn can be.

We’ll take another break for a Tom’s tip of the day, “Employers, avoiding hiring unlucky people by immediately throwing half the CVs in the bin”.

Best of the rest had been a hard fought battle for the first two and a half laps between Mark O’Kane, Stringer and Dave, but the battle was won out by Johnny Wells who had taken a leaf out of Dave’s book and his fruity Friday paid off with his stunningly quick final half lap. Dave had the edge for a short time before doing a Tabitha and losing a shoe. Stringer fell back through the field and his demise was sealed by an excellent final kick by Jarram Jarram, taking him on the finishing straight. The new title, “first of the worst”, goes to Ashley Bailey who beat his partner in crime DJ “big cat” Crizzle. Despite Bethan Davies saying, “I think he has dropped out, I’ve not seen him for the last two laps”, Crizzle was indeed still out on the course plodding along. Like the true pro he is, Crizzle was sporting a brand new pair of running spikes, the first and only time we’ll be seeing them this year.

Some more of the big dogs were in attendance but only in their cheerleading capacity. The squad consisted of Lucy “Cellophane flowers of yellow and green” Crookes, Caroline Ford, Jacob Clark’s new best friend Becky Hilton (nothing gets past these eyes even with vodka). Dan Whittle and Sarah Marsden were also both out due to injuries, I don’t know what you two have been getting up to together but I think you might be doing it wrong. Most enthusiastic cheerleader was our late great leader Freddie Slemeck who’s jumping up and down and cheering expended more energy than some of the runners. Luke Buswell having resigned from men’s race captain duties earlier in the year was too ashamed to take part in the race although the reason he cited was, “I’m going to concentrate on my track season” (I call bull faecal matter on this), instead he tried blending into the background by wearing a bright yellow marshal’s bib (at least that’s one top of his that remained intact).

The evening entertainment started off with a win over Scotland in the rugby, followed by the standard curry at Akmals. This is where I need to apologise again to everyone I put face paint on (except Joe Vis, because he’s alehouse scum). This apology reminded me that I needed to apologise to Bethan Davies for spilling curry on her, which led me to remember that I knocked my sainsbury’s basics cider (only the best) over someone else.

That however isn’t the last of the apologies because there is also one for Stringer as I ripped his shirt up and possibly Crizzle and Tom Powell’s as well. There is another for that random Edinburgh girl I always pick up and spin around, her reaction on seeing me was something along the lines of “oh no, not you again”, a line that Crizzle hears all too often. I say this, however, the lion tamer herself was in attendance and kept the big cat under complete control, at this rate he’ll be downgraded to a pussy cat soon.

Only other important points to note is the evidence showing that Slobbin was out on the pull and that Luke Buswell on what was meant to be his second trip to fruity, didn’t make it in (not by his own choice).The rest of the evening can be pieced together from earlier parts of my report. One fruity worker was however quoted as saying, “those cross country people are awful, I’ve never seen so much bodily fluid in one evening”, I take that as a mark of success. A perfect party to end a perfect day for the club.

I had written a long race report including everyone but it read more like a war memorial, then I came to my senses and realised that no one reads these for the results, that’s what the results are for.


Births and Deaths (please note neither of these people is actually dead)

In Memorandum

Miss Gold Coast 2010- Despite only being with us for one semester Gold Coast made a big impression. Although she didn’t have the running prowess of some of her international counterparts she cemented her reputation by being a social member of the club and giving us some memorable evenings. Full credit has to be given to her for getting a free bottle of champagne from Walkabout by walking up to the DJ and proclaiming, “I’m Australian give me alcohol”. We wish her all the best for the future.

Robbbbbbbbbbb Johnsonnnnnnnnnnnn- No report is ever complete without a mention to this man. After first joining the club back in 1963 the man made his mark by never doing any running, in what today we would call doing a Crizzle. After eventually departing the club in 1970 he went on to do some kind of running including the odd marathon. He was a staple at every event since and in some respects became the team mascot. I was fortunate enough to meet the man on my first trip to Manchester where he showed his humorous side by turning up in full running kit and then claiming he didn’t want to run, of course he ran in the end. My next meeting was up in Edinburgh where he made the trip all the way from London to just come and take photos (whatever happened to them?) due to his fear of heights. This was the last known sighting of the great man and he will be sorely missed, until his imminent return.


Penny Dorothy Pinker-Hull- Although she missed the main event we must give her thanks for clinging on those extra few days allowing our coach Greg Hull to be in attendance.

PECO League Race Report – 2012/13

LUUCCC are not officially entered in the PECO league this year; however we still have an interest due to one of our members crossing the floor and representing Hyde Park Harriers and other members are able to enter as guests. The PECO league is a friendlier version of the West Yorkshire league and sees clubs from around the local area competing to be crowned the best, with an individual and team competition meaning all participants efforts help.

The last

Race 1- Fitzwilliam Country Park

This race had a low representation with only Joss and me in attendance. My day didn’t get off to a great start as my geography skills let me down and I failed to find Joss’ house. Joss saved the day as she kindly picked me up from the street corner. The race itself was two laps of a very muddy course with two long slopes. According to the Peco league site, spikes were appropriate for this course, they lied, it wasn’t. Luckily for me though I wasn’t such a great cross country pro back then and didn’t own a pair of spikes, so my amateur trainers paid dividends on the long gravel stretch. The course also came with its dangers including a very slippery bridge a gaping trench in another part and mud that was knee deep in places. I started the race off well, which was unfortunately my downfall as within half a lap Joss the pacing queen overtook me and slowly paced her way out into the distance. I carried on regardless as I slowly fell backwards through the field and then literally fell sideways into the field but eventually on to the end in a decent enough time for my first Peco race. Joss was the fourth lady but wasn’t too impressed with her performance as she had got her tactics wrong, and reckoned a third place had been on the cards. I was happy enough with my 73rd position, but then I don’t have a title to defend.

Race 2- Middleton Park

This race took part just before Christmas when most normal students had gone home; I however was hanging around to water my flowers (genuinely true). Joss and I were in attendance and this time we were joined by none other than the main man himself, Mr Tom Powell. As it was nearly Christmas we were treated to Joss’ Christmas CD. Tom was in charge of the DJ decks, and was skipping tracks at his will. When it got to “War is over” by Jon Lennon, Tom and Joss were in agreement to skip the track, I then made the mistake of asking how the song went. Rather than play me the track they treated me to their own rather special rendition (special being the key word). I’d have preferred the original. The race involved some sort of lap with extra bits added on and missing on the second lap, unless you’re at the front this isn’t too much of a problem. Conditions on the day were pretty decent. After the last race I had learnt to take it easy at the start, so I opted for the tactic of sticking with the pacing queen for as long as I could. After sticking with her for the first few kilometres I decided to go it alone and upped my pace a bit, this paid off (sort of). I remained in front of Joss for the rest of the way although she was never far behind and when we entered the final field she was still on my shoulder. With a little encouragement from Joss I then hit it hard and put in a good drive for the finish coming 64th and before Joss. Joss was 5th lady, claiming she’d lost her mojo but was fairly pleased as the gap to the ladies in front was uncatchable. Tom Powell who I’ve neglected to mention, was having his own race up front against a lady, it just so happens his lady goes by the name Hatti Archer (neé Dean), and has competed in several European and World Cross Country championships and even has a few medals from the team competitions. Needless to say Tom was very pleased to have beaten a woman (this is one occasion where beating a woman is acceptable), he came 8th overall.

Race 3- Bramley Fall Park

The usual suspects were now joined again by Tom Powell and newcomer to the Peco league Dan Whittle. Unfortunately Joss’ car had been broken into over the Christmas period and no longer had a sound system or more sadly, PG tips monkeys. This meant that we had a lack of Beatles tunes and had to make do with Tom’s vocal skills. Luckily it was only a short ride away. The race was three laps with two short steep hills. Tom’s arch nemesis, Jack Wood was also in attendance and the bet was placed once again that loser buys the fish and chips. You would have thought after Tom’s last thrashing he would learn not to make such silly bets*. The gang went through their warm up routines ready for the race ahead. Matt and Dan had raced the day before at Parkrun against the advice of Tom Powell. Parkrun is a story in its own right with Matt in a questionable state after Rachel Friend’s birthday celebrations the night before which had become hijacked by Bellew and resulted in a trip to Space (now I’ve been, I appreciate the ironic name). Matt had won this encounter by default due to Dan’s withdrawal but a wins a win. Back at the PECO, the rivalry continued with both padawans sticking to their master Jedi’s (Joss’s) shoulder and let the grand master set the pace. Matt made a move having gained some ground on a hill, but this move was his undoing as he was out of a nitro boost and was quickly overtaken by Joss and Dan who slowly edged away. Meanwhile at the front Tom was having a great race sticking with the leaders for quite a way, and keeping Jack Wood firmly in his place. Tom won out with a 6th place, Jack Wood coming in 12th. Joss beat both of her padawans and was the 4th lady over the line. Not far behind was Dan in 54th and Matt in 68th. The upside of the PECO league is that after every race there is the opportunity for food, this time we were treated to pie and peas or chilli and jacket potato. The journey back was uneventful until the last stretch, when Joss pulled onto the Otley road into a nonexistent gap, the driver behind was not best impressed, but she did avoid “doing a Buswell”.

*this report was written before varsity and BUCS, in retrospect a very good bet on Tom’s part

Race 4- Barnbow Field

As was now standard Joss and Matt were in attendance and our guest for the day was none other than the better half of the Crizzle Bailey comedy duo, Ashley Bailey. Richard Jarram was a no show; presumably abducted by aliens. Joss’ car was still without stereo and shockingly we had to make conversation. For once I’d not been out the night before and so was in a fit enough state to be able to communicate. Much of the conversation was spent working out where we were supposed to be going and despite a minor detour in the city centre and around a housing estate we arrived in plenty of time. Shortly before the start the main man, sporting his rather fetching yellow doss vest, Tom Powell made an appearance. The race started and bad tactics put Matt too far behind the pacing queen. Mud was then the dish of the day and in true PECO fashion the recommend shoe was not appropriate for the course. Spikes would have been a lot more suitable but wouldn’t have given the organisers the amusement of watching people slip over. The race was a rather enjoyable course with a water jump and a trip through the woods (my first fall). Joss was never caught by Matt and so took the score for the series to an uncatchable 3-1. Tom finished but was too ashamed to hand his position in, so because there is no proof to the contrary I’m going to claim that he finished behind me. Ashley Bailey defended his first of the worst title despite the strength of the fiercely competitive imaginary competition. Tom Powell did manage a win but only in terms of most times slipped over, but Joss’s slip and commando role before the race wins the award for most impressive. The journey home was made all the more amusing due to Joss’s philosophical view on driving in Leeds, “all drivers in Leeds are knobs, but that means when I go home I’m the only driver from Leeds so I’m the knob driver”, inspiring stuff there. Although best quote of the day will remain anonymous, “all taxi drivers learn to drive in New Dehli, that’s why they can’t drive properly”. We then had another trip around the city centre due to a road closed in what we call, “doing a Lucy Crookes”.

Race 5- Bodington

This was the final race of the series and it was to be held on our home turf of Bodington courtesy of the Hyde Park Harriers. This race should really be renamed as the battle of the hangovers as it came the day after club dinner and so those participating were not in the best shape. The usual suspects were joined by Dan Whittle on his first major race since injury. The route to be used resembled that of varsity and BUCS and involved all the normal ups and downs with an extra bit through the woods. Bodington had its usual charm of being coated in mud and within the first few minutes I nearly lost my shoe, unlike BUCS, I decided to take the time to put it back on not really feeling like running 5 miles on a sock. On the first lap it was all very close between the three amigos, with Joss being the first to drop off. Joss’ return to drinking form the night before had an unfortunate effect on her running form. Dan and Dave carried on together going past Sarah Marsden who cheered, “come on Dave”, to which she then added “oh and Dan”. In the words of Dan Whittle “charming isn’t it”. The lap carried on with Dan and Dave together; however Dan had slightly more in his tank and slowly edged away. Dave’s tank was full but unfortunately still rather full of ale from the night before. Dan stayed ahead and finished 50th, with Dave behind in 60th. Joss was third over the line out the uni lot and despite her predicament was the 6th lady of the day.

At the conclusion of the league Joss had done just enough to retain her title (sort of). Joss won the senior category however there was a veteran who finished in front of her.

Varsity Race Report – 2013

Varsity 2013 took place in a very wintery setting up at Bodington fields due to the recent snow fall. The course was 5.4km for the lasses and 8.1km for the gentlemen and Bellew.

As is tradition the ladies went first with Susan Partridge destroying the course in a rapid time, finishing a minute ahead of her nearest competitor and a further two minutes ahead of the next university finisher. Bronwyn Hodgins ran faster than the time she got chased by the police and so didn’t have to spend the evening in the back of a police car again and instead beat the Edinburgh Braids 2012 champion Lucy “a girl with kaleidoscope eyes” Crookes. Hannah Drewitt’s finish kept the Uni score low and was closely followed by our other favourite Canadian Colleen Wilson. Caroline Ford was our last point scorer, but in a sentiment expressed by Elliott Jackson it was deemed that she could have gone faster had she been wearing her more aerodynamic crop top, many a lad concurred. Catherine Whitfield was next to finish. Bethan Davies made her return after disappearing into hibernation for winter. Due to our large attendance we packed out the bottom positions with some respectable times and some own personal battles taking place. Jessica Dinkins put in a five second lead over Laura Boehm winning the battle of the foreigners. Rachel Friend and Hannah Reichert were left running their own races, and bringing up the rear was a rather pleased Sarah Marsden (not because, as I quote from facebook, “she is in a relationship with Dan Whittle”, but instead that she had beaten someone) followed by content Bethan Hammond.

The men’s race was won by Dan Garbutt, formerly from Met, however he wasn’t the fastest mover on the day, that honour belongs to DJ “big cat” Crizzle and his ability to move from girl to girl on the dance floor. Never before has so much been tried on with so many by so few (stole this bit from Churchill (the man not the dog)), I would upgrade his name back to predator but that implies some sort of success rate. Richard Anderson was the first university competitor over the line and Liam Lloyd was soon to follow. Our late great leader Freddie Slemeck made an appearance. There was then a short interlude before normal service was resumed by Phil Sesemann and Josh Stone and Callum Greenwood. Glenn Phair’s absconding from alcohol gave him the edge over Ben Marriott but let’s hope it hasn’t damaged his beer racing performances. The IT bossman and worlds greatest gentleman, Alex Bellew, remained injury free for the duration of the whole race and completed it in a rather fast time. Despite this performance he has resigned his place in the London marathon; I personally was looking forward to his next training update. He cited two major reasons for his resignation, firstly being he would have to train for it and secondly that if he didn’t Joss would beat him and he couldn’t be having that. Tom Powell then firmly settled his fish and chips score with Jack Wood after beating him in two races within a week (full PECO report to come at the end of the league). Tom also avoided the embarrassment of resigning as Men’s race captain after threatening to, had he not been one of the top 12 uni finishers. In a post race interview, Jack Wood revealed he thought that he may have had Tom within the first lap but paid the price for a quick start later on. Luke Buswell split the fish and chip buddies down the middle, having only just managed to turn up to the start line. The results tumbled in with Beau Smith, Joe Coleshaw and Finn. Finn just pipped Alzheimers to the post, but we’ll let him off as he forgot where the finish was. Jago Leckie completed the course followed by Silva Surfer Shan. Josh Woodcock-Shaw was the last finisher before the most important battle of the day.

These reports are always going to be a little biased towards my race mainly because when you’re at the back, you have no idea what order the guys in front of you are finishing in unless you get lapped. At the start the main players in this story, Matt Evans, Dan Whittle and Johnny Wells, all took it easy and let the rest of the field get away including our other great rival Jarram Jarram. The lads from uni quickly caught up to those paying the price for a fast start and were picking them off as we went. Towards the end of the first lap and hilly section Evans made a break for it, but Whittle took it easy knowing Evans had made the same mistake less than a week before at the PECO league. But Evans didn’t mind because just like Lance Armstrong he had his secret weapon, not blood transfusions and EPO, but a hangover from the night before. Having recently set two parkrun PB’s and beaten Joss at a PECO league race whilst in a similar condition he knew he had what it takes. As the second lap set in the distance beaten the uni boys increased and with Stringer in his sights, Evans was only spurred on more. By the end of the second lap Evans was about to overtake, but Stringer withdrew having remembered he had an exam at that time. As the third lap kicked in Wells had left a gap to Whittle and the gap to Evans was closing. The last set of hills approached and Evans knew this was his for the taking but as with any drug the side effects of Sainsbury’s basics cider were starting to take their toll. On to the final straight and Evans held off for an emphatic victory in the battle of the back markers. Wells was soon to follow and Whittle retained his dignity by beating Jarram Jarram.

The other main rivals in the battle of the backmarkers failed to turn up. Ashley Bailey spent his day with teenagers in training to become the next Rob Johnson. Crizzle was not in attendance due to his Aunty being around, although that didn’t seem to hold him back that evening. On a completely unrelated note Catherine Garbutt was also a no show (coincidence?).

Mal Smith and Adam Connell rounded off the day although could have gone faster had they not stopped for a yoga session midway through the second lap.

These fabulous results meant that we well and truly smashed the Met after some fighting talk my one of their members who didn’t even have the decency to turn up to get a sound thrashing. Post race celebrations started with a trip to Bryan’s fish and chip shop, so a Mr T.Powell could reclaim his winnings courtesy of Jack Wood. This was followed by a party at Bellew’s. Crizzle ditched his Aunt in favour of this and in the process of asking Freddie about his Hogwarts career managed to upset some sheep. Caroline Ford learnt the hard way why you should never pretend to be Bellew’s girlfriend, although as we now know, the only man for her is Joe Jonas. Line of the night goes to the bouncer who told Caroline, “well if he is your boyfriend he’s probably been cheating on you”.

With results like these I’m looking forward to smashing the Met once again at BUCS .


Leeds Relays Race Report – 2012

Leeds relays

Following on from Tom Powell as press secretary was thought to be an impossible task: but then so was downing a pint of urine without throwing up. So you’ll just have to put up with another Dave race report.

Minutes from the meeting 1st December 2012, held at Bodington fields


John Wills Josh Stone Glenn Phair Jacob Clark Freddie Slemeck

Finn Luke Buswell Phil Sesemann Tom Powell Josh Woodcock-Shaw

Shan Beau Smith Dan Whittle Fiona Wiles Josh Ridley

Johnny Wells DJ Crizzle Ashley Bailey Catherine Garbutt Bronwyn Hodgins

Lucy Crookes Caroline Ford Matt Evans Bethan Davies Richard Jarram

Jocelyn Payne Rachel Friend Met Catherine Whitfield Laura Boehm

Qianyi Ng Alex Bellew Doss Bethan Hammond Rebecca Jameson

Ellie Salvidge Alehouse Ann-Marie Moore Hannah Riechert Tabitha Bryant

Becky Hilton John Imrie Louise Braine Katie Donnelly Amy Brander

Gold Coast

Apologies for absence

Rob Johnson- Either dead or in jail (hopefully neither), the only two feasible options that would keep him away from an event

Colleen Wilson- Busy wrestling bears, I presume this is what Canadians do in their spare time

James Stringer- Missed the race despite setting up the course the day before

Sarah Marsden- ? (Dan any ideas)

Edinburgh Haries- Still crying in Scotland after their defeat by the hands (more accurately feet) of Lucy Crookes

Alzheimers- He forgot to turn up

Approval of last year’s minutes

It was decided that last year’s race had been such a great success everyone should come back to Bodington once again for another edition of Leeds relays. Proposed by Bethan Davies, seconded by Chris Smith.

Matters arising

The course – It was decided that this would be left to the expertise of Greg Hull. Using his wisdom the course was set around the perimeter including a few inclines. Teams would be made of three for the girls and four for the boys. Finn raised an objection to the inclusion of inclines as he thought it may put off members with Acrophobia (a fear of heights), and proposed this may be the reason for the lack of Rob Johnson.

The ladies race- First legs were completed by Lucy “Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly” Crookes who came round in 7th place, exactly a minute later Bethan Davies came along, Laura Boehm made her mark in a very respectable 14:22, then Rachel Friend, closely followed by Tabitha Bryant, Bethan Hammond, and Louise Braine. Next to take the baton were Caroline Ford and Fiona Wiles, Rebecca Jameson over took the F teams Qianyi Ng, Ann-Marie put the D team back in front of the E team by overtaking Becky Hilton. Last over for this round was Katie Donnelly. Last leg for the ladies was completed by our favourite Canadian in attendance Bronwyn Hodgins bringing the A team home in 5th place. Jocelyn’s solid effort,12:46, put the B team in 11th. Catherine Whitfield had a good performance, followed by Ellie Salvidge, Hannah Riechert, Catherine Garbutt and last lady of the day was Amy Brander. The Leeds uni A team finished in front of Met and Alehouse which puts us in good stead for the start of next year. Lucy proposed that this was a good effort on all parts and was pleased with her ladies turnout and performances; the motion was seconded by club captain Bethan Davies.

Lads- John Wills led the way with an impressive lap, which remained the third fastest for the rest of the day. His performance was backed up by Josh Stone, Glenn Phair and Jacob Clark for the A team to finish 6th overall. The B team were represented by Freddie Slemeck, Josh Woodcock-Shaw, Luke Boswell (it’s what you’re called on the results) and Phil Sesemann who unforgivably ran a faster time for the Leeds Uni triathlon club than he did for us. The D team finished 15th with some good performances by Finn, Shan and Tom Powell, however another triathlon star’s second leg didn’t match his first, proving it’s never as good with a triathlete second time round (ladies you’ve been warned). The C and E teams had quite a fight at the start with the extremely handsome (I would) Matthew Evans battling it out with Dan Whittle with the former unfortunately ending up trailing by 7 seconds. Richard Jarram and DJ “the predator” Crizzle, took the mantle, Jarram extended the C’s lead and claimed to overtake other runners. DJ Crizzle strongly objected to this motion and counter claimed that although his lead may have been extended at no point did Jarram catch anyone up. The committee were unable to come to any conclusions and so the case is due to be resolved by Judge Judy Schneider early next year. Josh Ridley and Johnny Wells extended the C teams lead to an uncatchable margin, but John Imrie and Ashley Bailey gave it a go anyway. Luke Buswell requested that it was put on record that Leeds Uni finished two places above our biggest rivals, Alehouse. He also requested that we wipe any mention of the Met winning from the record.

Chief photographer- Despite his injuries, Bellew was able to attend and managed to take some stunning pictures of the local talent. Glenn Phair congratulated Bellew on all the hard work he puts in to his photography skills and was impressed at some of the angles he’d taken.

Evening shenanigans- It was ruled that the contents of Tom Powell’s dirty pint was pretty awful however he should have guessed what it contained having been handed it from Bellew. It was also noted that Bronwyn Hodgins had continued on her quest to build bridges between Doss and Alehouse obviously not realising that this war has been raging for a lot longer than her country has existed. It was decided she’ll just have to accept that the way we feel about Alehouse is the same as Canadians feel about America. DJ “predator” Crizzle failed to live up to his predatory ways.

Election of new press secretary

With the demotion of Tom Powell to men’s race captain it left the most prized committee role open. Nominations were put forward with only one candidate, Dave, proposed by Tom Powell, seconded by Matt Evans. Dave was asked to give a short speech as to why he wished to take on this role, his main reasons for standing were, “I’ve been to most of the races this term and I’m normally one of the last to go home on the socials so I see everything that happens, bar any whiskey related incidents”

Any Other Business

DJ “predator” Crizzle appears to have been tamed and thus it was proposed his name should be changed to reflect this. The meeting decided that domestic cat was too far a downgrade and so he shall be known as DJ “big cat” Crizzle.

Future events

BUCS- To be held once again at Bodington fields due to the success of Leeds relays.

Isle of Man- You better all be going

London Marathon- Now taking bets on whether Bellew will make it to the start line

Tour de France 2014- This will also now start off from the infamous Bodington fields due to the successful running of many events there, (take that you Haries).

Date of next meeting

19th January- Cross Country Varsity- Lets show the Met how it’s done

Written according to

South Eastern Education and Library Board



Edinburgh Braids Hill Race Report – 2012

Due to Luke Buswell’s demotion and Tom Powell’s subsequent promotion to men’s race captain this left the role of press secretary unmanned. This has left some big boots to fill and that task has been landed on me, fortunately however we have similar sized feet.

This race report may be rather belated but should fill you in on all you need to know about our trip North of the border into that strange land of skirt wearing men, more commonly known as Scotland.

Due to Tom’s promotion it meant he was now too busy with his men’s race captain duties to be able to attend the Edinburgh weekend, that and the fact he didn’t want to buy dinner for Jack again once he got soundly beaten. However Luke Buswell having passed over his duties was now free enough to be able to attend. Other prominent figures were Lucy “tangerine trees and marmalade skies” Crookes (I thought I’d attempt to continue a Tom Powell tradition, see the West Yorkshire league race report for more details) Canadias own Bronwyn Hodgins and Colleen Wilson, Miss Gold Coast 2010, Jack Wood, Ashley Bailey, Finn and Dave.

After hearing stories from a previous year, I decided not to get in a car with Luke for the drive up. Three kerbs later, and some struggling to find full beam lights on a dark country road, my decision to get in Lucy’s car was not looking so wise. However we got there and back in one piece so I can’t complain. Despite a quick stop in a village in the middle of nowhere (it was the sort where horror stories get set) we arrived with plenty of time before the race (the race in fact being the next day). In Edinburgh we were made to feel extremely welcome by Coll, one of the Edinburgh team whose house we were staying at.

So now for the race part,

The course was a three(ish) mile loop with some hills, with one lap for the ladies and two for the men. The ladies were up first, they set off and were very quickly out of sight. This was all I saw of them for the entire race, so don’t have much to report on. Next thing we knew, we were being shouted at to clear the way as the first ladies were fast approaching. To our surprise and delight, Leeds Uni’s Lucy Crookes was in first place and was fighting hard to hold off the home crowd’s hero Rebecca Harding. After a quick injection of pace, Lucy had enough room to hold off the Harie and take the win. Very soon after Canadia’s Bronwyn Hodgins appeared proving that she’s just as fast racing as she is on the dance floor. This was quickly followed by our other favourite Canadian, Colleen Wilson to round off the top 10 in sub 20 minute times. Importantly this put our girls a good 20 places above the first of Alehouse. Miss Gold Coast herself had a good run and finished in the top 100 (100th to be precise).

Next up was the lads’ race. Unfortunately not being one of the fastest in the group it meant that I’m completely unaware of who has finished where until I cross the line myself, but my copy of the results tell me that Jack Wood was our fastest lad of the day in a time of 35:23, giving him 21st place. Next over the line was Alzheimers proving he still has what it takes, although he definitely won’t remember it by now, in a time 36:03. Len Foster, one of the Dossers was next closely followed by Luke Buswell. Finn crossed the line but could have been a tad faster had he not stopped to catch a megabus to Newcastle with some Swedish girls. While this lot were recovering, the slower members of the group carried on trudging round and with the very handsome Matthew Evans crossing the finish line in 42:49, followed by Ashley Bailey rounding off the day’s entertainment in 44:14.

Rob Johnson had appeared for the day in true Rob Johnson style, but didn’t take part as he is scared of heights and the course had a hill (I know this sounds made up but he actually said it (kind of)).

Runner of the day has to be Lucy Crookes with her respectable 1st place, and the ladies take the honours for being the best gender with their overall second place in the team competition, against some tough competition from the hosts. This works out well as well all know first the worst, second the best and thirds the one with the Harie chest (Haries coming 1st and 3rd in the team competition).

The evening entertainment consisted of the normal beer racing, and as we were North of the border, Haggis as well. Newcastle challenged us to a game of flip cup which we soundly beat them in. The beer racing fared well as our Dossers took the lead accompanied by Luke (I downed a pint in 6.4 seconds) Buswell. Unfortunately they were beaten in the final by an on form Alehouse. The ladies team looked to be in trouble after Colleen pulled out due to illness, but Rob Johnson stepped in to fill the gap with his girly drinking ways, needless to say we lost.

The less hungover and more energetic members of the group spent the Sunday morning eating slept on cakeTM (courtesy of Jack Wood) running up Arthurs seat and enjoying a spectacular view of the city and surrounds. Others who had only returned that morning chose to spend this time catching up on sleep.

The weekend eventually finished with a guided tour of Leeds provided by Lucy Crookes, with an interlude to be laughed at by a small child. Luckily navigation by sexy superstore signs got us back to the car hire and then safely home.

The weekend was a good laugh and I would highly recommend it to anyone who is around next year.

Your new press secretary (this is going straight to the top of my CV)