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PECO League Race Report – 2011

Powell gives inspirational performance and the other guys did ok too

As Martin Luther King once said “I have a dream”, Tom Powell’s dream was to complete a race without running like a little girl, a feat which he has not accomplished since BUCS last February.

His day got off to a great start when Powell woke up, still feeling slightly jaded from loosing his Fruity virginity, was ready to try and regain some of the form that caused him to win Stockport Park run and Manchester Park run within the space of a month! He was saved from walking the short distance to the race start (approx. 10 miles) by club veteran Jocelyn Payne who very kindly offered to give Powell, together with Alex Jeffreys and Amicia Lee, a lift. The team prepared themselves for the race by listening to the Beatles’ Red Album. Powell and Payne were the John and Paul of the group by dominating the vocals and singing really loudly for a lot of the journey, Amicia did very well by occasionally contributing to form some stunning 3 part tight harmonies to “Ticket to ride”. Alex was clearly the Ringo of the group by not contributing to the music at all.

At the actual race (what these reports are meant to be about) the start got under-way with a very large field of several hundred runners with all four runners from the university executing clinical starts despite the course being designed the runners cutting through a gap in a hedge about 90 seconds into the race which caused some severe waiting for some of the runners in the bulk of the field. However overall it was a pretty decent course with some long stretching hills, the up hills inconveniently made much harder by a viscous wind smashing into your face. After settling into the race Powell was in the top 20 and gradually moved himself into the top 10 throughout the race however his lack of mileage started to show in the last few minutes and lost several places to finish 13th. Jeffreys ran an aggressive race from the gun, causing Powell to get very nervous and hot under the collar as there was not a lot between the two athletes for the first 10 minutes, to finish a great 26th. Jocelyn Payne continued her form which made her the highest ranked marathon runner in the country for an U-23 by finishing 2nd in a race much shorter than her preferred distance. Amicia Lee finished (not sure where as results aren’t up yet) and amusingly said “Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time”

In post-race analysis with ex-race captain with Alex Bellew, Bellew commented on the obvious strength of the field otherwise Powell would have inevitably finished in the top 10. In fact rumour has it that the PECO league will serve as the selection criteria for the UK cross country team this winter, rather than the traditional UK cross challenge. Bellew also commented on Amicia Lee’s comment, claiming it was a rubbish tip saying “Single Men: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside – now that is a proper tip”

 

Edinburgh Braids Hill XC Race Report – 2011

I would like to start this edition of LUUCCC race report with a response to a question that was left unanswered in the previous edition. It has now been officially confirmed that the soreness in Alex Bellews bum from the Yorkshire fell championships was actually from the race, not from any other reason.

This weekend proved to be a successful one, in what has proved to be a fruitful season so far for LUUCCC. A sunny saturday afternoon marked the Braids Hill fell race in Edinburgh which consisted of a 3 mile loop which involved running up to a summit via testing climbs and then back down the other side of the hill in a series of tricky descents. The women’s race was to complete one of these laps while the men’s was to complete two.

The women’s race started at 2.00 sharp with some great talent from the Doss on show. The race was won by Clare Ward of Edinburgh University in a stunning 18 minutes 34 seconds however Edinburgh weren’t going to have it all there own way with Dosser Emma Raven close behind in 3rd (18.53). Mary Ferrier also impressed in her first race of the year to finish a great 17th (20.12). Caroline Ford also demonstrated her form with a great follow up from her heroics in the Manchester relays finishing 29th (20.55). Next to count was Rebecca Jameson (22.09), followed by Lucy Gemmel 58th (23.04). Coincidentally Gemmel had many highlights this weekend including taking a pedalo (yes you heard correctly, a pedalo) with men’s race captain Elliot Jackson, and also going slightly mental in Starbucks after sighting someone from ‘Made in Chelsea’. There was also a highly intense battle for 62nd spot between Frances Carney and Amicia Lee who came in 62nd and 63rdrespectively. During the race many spectators thought Lee would win the fight as Carney looked tired from the excess weight of carrying her passport. The team was made up by Fiona Wiles who finished in 67th (24.14), Jessica White 71st (24.34), Hannah Gornall 189th (24.40), Beth Ferrier 81st (25.05) just ahead of Laura Severinsen 82nd (25.06) and Beth Martin 99th (27.49)

The men’s race commenced at 2.30, with high expectations on the Doss after some stunning individual performances this year so far including Freddie Slemeck’s international debut in Slovenia (Yes that’s correct he did actually run for England, those shorts aren’t just stolen from a regular international), with 4 people to count per team. The race up to the summit for the first time showed some stunning ascending from Elliot Jackson and Matt Lockyer who both leading the race closely followed by Slemeck (in his signature shorts) and Alex Bellew. The overall winner was Niall Sheehan of Lasswade AC with 32 minutes 35 seconds, with the main challenge from the Doss coming from Alex Bellew in 4th (33.35). Allegedly Bellew only ran faster so he could get in the showers straight away and hence would have to wait less time to strip off, one of Bellews favourite pastimes. Next from Doss was Freddie Slemeck in 5th a solid 23 seconds behind Bellew with a run in which he said “I couldn’t have done any more” which involoved a superb sprint finish at the end. The team was made up by Matt Lockyer who gave another usefull run in 13th (34.31) despite massive wind resistance on his newly formed facial hair and Elliot Jackson who’s self confessed lack of endurance caused him to fade to finish 18th (35.35). This caused the team to finish a brilliant 2nd place overall just behind Edinburgh University. There was also great runs from James Raven in 22nd (35.53), man-mountain Jack Wood in 27th (36.22) who was my individual athlete of the weekend, and Luke Buswell in 42nd (37.04) who expertly disguised the fact he was on steroids by running a little bit slower than normal. Tom Heawood finished a respectable 58th (38.06), whilst listening to remixes of Jingle Bells and the Mariah Carey classic “All I want for Christmas is you” in-between getting into fights and losing piercings from his ear. Other runs worth a mention were Dave Burtles 78th (39.34), , Alex Jeffreys 102nd (41.05) who closely contested with Shane Adams who came 107th (41.16), John Derrick 139th (43.00), Thomas Canaway in 180th (46.52) and Adam Kirk 203rd (53.03). Despite their being several bets on Tom Powell to reach the summit first he unfortunately ran like a little girl due to injury and had to drop out. His luck however improved throughout the day as he impressed on the dance floor when Flo Riders “Low” was played. He was also saved from being Dick of the day by Rowan Temple who unbelievably dropped out and actually brought his passport on the same day – what a dick/day!

It is also worth noting that if an athlete would have finished in the same time it takes Rob Johnson to down a pint they would have finished in 82nd place in a time of 40 minutes 15 seconds.
When asked to comment about the race Men’s race captain Elliot Jackson had to say “people whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty ‘Toblerone’ chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job”. It his highly advised that freshers take note of this advice if they wish to progress as an athlete.

WYL and Yorkshire Fell Championships Race Report – 2011

Slemeck and Bellew dominate Yorkshire fell championships

This Saturday marked the Yorkshire fell championships which consisted of a strong field of well over two hundred runners. The race was an epic 5 miler in Great Whernside which involved insanely steep climbs and descents, leaving as much to the runners guts as their athletic prowess. In previous years the race has heavily featured Leeds University triathlon star Johnathan Brownlee, he however decided to miss this race after his coach (for those of you who don’t know him it’s me (the skinny guy with no hair from training)) advised him against it after a hard week of training. With Brownlees absence Slemeck looked to insert his authority from the start, while Bellew executed another of his infamous slow starts, not getting carried away with the pace of the field. After a mile or so Slemeck and Bellew found themselves together in a cat and mouse game with ameteur athlete and professional nutcase, the dosser Matt Lockyer who once famously asked a girl from Middlesborough if her parents were brother and sister, with all three running in top 10 positions. With the last few hundred metres approaching there was very little to separate the three athletes however Slemeck managed to sneak ahead of Bellew by a mere four seconds with Lockyer a further seven seconds behind. It is worth noting that the three athletes crossed the line in order of their number of parkrun victories (2 to Slemeck, 1 to Bellew and as far as I know 0 to Lockyer as yet), which proves that the Hyde Park time trial is the base to any runners success. The three finished in 7th, 8th and 9th respectively, with Slemeck taking the Junior prize. Allegedly Bellew was caught saying after the race “it’s because he’s a lanky bugger so he was able to leap over the bogs better than me”. Bellew also commented on the soreness of his bum however it has not been confirmed whether this was from the race or not. The overall winner of the race was Carl Bell from Howgill Harriers with the time of 31 mins 32 seconds, finishing over a minute ahead of his nearest challenger Ian Holmes who ousted out Chris Birchill for second place.

As well as the Yorkshire fell championships, there was also the West Yorkshire Cross Country League. This was held on a very blustery Saturday morning around a very open York race course which provided little protection from the wind. Fortunately LUUCCC had been watching Sky Sports News in the morning and knew the conditions would be ‘good to firm’ which provided them information to prepare their vital race plans. The women’s race commenced at 1.45 with a small but strong field with just under 100 runners completing the 6.5 km cross country. The race was won by Laura Kirk of Skyrac (24 minutes 53 seconds) broke away from the field with Clare Duck of Leeds City (25.15) and Katie Walshaw of Holmfirth (25.20) after about 3 k which provided the spectators with a fantastic race. Leeds Universities Women team put in three consistently strong performances led by Jessica White in 62nd (31.41) followed by Hannah Gornall 67th (32.05) and Fiona Wiles 79th (33.00). Jessica White, ever the optimist, seemed unphased by the conditions that slowed down many of her competitor said in a post race interview on facebook they were “really nice conditions but a bit of a headwind at times”

In the men’s race the university entered another strong but small team in a much larger field of two hundred athletes. The race was held over the same course but with an extension to the women’s race making it a full 10k. The race was won by Leeds City’s Simon Deakin who (after some late night power of 10 stalking) has been ranked in the top 10 in the UK for 10k in the past few years. Deakin completed the course in a stunning 32minutes 42 seconds. Leeds Universities team was missing their two men in form Freddie Slemeck and Alex Bellew due to their presence at the pre-mentioned championships. Fresh off his victory an aloof Slemeck was caught saying “As an international athlete I only compete in major competitions a local league meeting means nothing to an athlete of my calibre”. Leeds Universities team was brought home by Matt Crehan who ran a very brave race from the gun challenging the leaders of the racebut unfortunately faded throughout the race to finish a respectable 32nd (37.03). The second counter for the uni was Chris Smith (Mr Alzheimers) who showed promise for the forthcoming season with steady improvements from week to week, giving Crehan a run for his money to finish 35th (37.13). At the end of the race Smith had only to say “I ran round a field in York”, valuable information which I felt could add to the quality of this article. In his first cross country race for a while Luke Buswell finished 28th (37.32), to finish 3rd counter, a run which Buswell was bitterly disappointed with having hoped to challenge for the top 10. Some say his race was like one big car crash. Fourth and final counter was Tom Hearward in 46th (38.00) who ran a very impressive race considering his self confessed lack of training in the last year and proved if he could hit form in the right time he could carry out his dream of making BUCS A team.

Overall it was an outstanding weekend for the team with Slemeck and Bellew providing a masterclass of running while the teams participation at the West Yorkshire league showed two small but strong teams of both men and women despite the absence of star athlete Tom Powell.

Tom Powell

Press Officer

Manchester Relays Race Report – 2014

For this race report written by good Sirs Powell and Evans, it is in the form of a scientific conference poster, which can be opened below, in all its journalistic glory.

Download the masterpiece here.

 

Manchester Relays Race Report – 2013

Despite having graduated I somehow agreed not only to dust off my spikes for a weekend of Dossing about but also to get my pen back out and produce a race report. Considering I wrote more for race reports last year than I did for my dissertation, unlike every other job I apply for at the moment I’m definitely qualified for this one1.

I must start this report by mentioning a certain person’s car crash, and no, although there was a Buswell driving, the two were surprisingly not related. Coincidentally I received a text from Joe Vis (of Alehouse2 fame) which said, “If there’s any justice, you’ll crash on the M62. If not, I’ll have my wicked way with your ugliest fresher”, the M42 proved close enough and it looks like I saved Richard Powell from a close encounter there.

The race was a 3.010km route around a field in Manchester. Teams had showed up from the length and breadth of the country including the Haries from Edinburgh, Nottingham (although they lacked Dave’s favourite gymnast) and Birmingham made an appearance for the race but as their alcohol abstention for the season has already begun they weren’t allowed out.

Richard Powell showed the speed he used to get around during his freshers week with an excellent first leg for the A team bringing them round in third position, and set the fourth fastest time (8:43) of the day by anyone which means I have to declaire him as the best runner of the day. Considering the two fastest times of the day were set by the same person, it made RP the third fastest individual. Not bad for a fresher.

Alzheimers was next up; he managed to get in a decent run before forgetting his Doss allegiance and running for Notts oldboys. Callum Greenwood kept Doss in contention. The freshers then showed us old boys how it was done with Alastair Weymouth using the sugar boost from his blue WKD to clock a time of 9:13, with RP so far ahead I’ll give him the title of best of the rest. Unfortunately for us Alastair is following in the steps of Beau Smith (he even knew Beau’s boyfriend3) and has been selected for triathlon, this means it will be the last we ever see of him. An out of form Finn Brodie failed to break the 10 minute barrier but did break down some barriers with fresher Becca on their taxi ride home. Finally Linton “the love of my life” Taylor brought the A team home in fourth which I was so amazed by I want him to be my wife. Linton’s time made it three out of three for the freshers by getting round in 9:20 giving the three first years the three fastest Doss times.

As for the B team, Dave led off with a wholly impressive 8:24, according to Harriet Buswell at least, which was such an impressive time the girlfriend of a Brookes runner even shook his hand. He then handed over to an injury ridden Dan Whittle who moon walked his way around the course, had he been looking where he was going he might have seen the low hanging branch. Crizzle narrowly claimed his first of the worst title from new boy Simon Purser (not to be confused with Simon O’traitor). Some excellent second legs by RP and Weymouth resulted with a top half finish for the B team.

The ladies were missing their flag bearer Lucy “and she’s gone” Crookes4 to a race in Slovenia, the ladies weren’t the only ones missing her as most of the Alehouse men (especially Joe Vis) were broken hearted at the chance to see their favourite female Dosser. The rest of you ladies don’t be too disappointed by this; the adoration of the Alehouse men is worth about half a yen.

However this was a team event and it’s not all about one individual. All our ladies were evenly matched with a battle between Harriet Buswell and Joanna Rycroft on the first leg, I offered Harriet a hand, but it was alright as she had this fight covered, after all she is from Newcastle. However she could have done with that hand as Joanna won out by six seconds, still a cracking performance by the freshers. Second legs were taken on by Catherine Garbutt and Becca Pritchard who mainly ran fast as every step was one closer back to her own bed in Leeds. Finally Sarah and Amica took on the final leg and brought it home. With only four seconds covering Becca, Sarah and Amica, it looks like we could have a female version of the famous Dan vs Dave rivalry. The ladies teams finished 27th and 30th.

The evening entertainment began early as Finn dived into the depths of Manchester and found a dodgy social club to get a pint in. With everyone being a cross country runner we were able to make a quick exit when someone looked at a local the wrong way, an out of form Finn however got left behind.

We were staying at Simon O’traitor’s5 house and had a memorable bus ride to the curry house as we cracked out all our new Doss songs to show Simon. Some would call this hymn practice, but it was nowhere near as organised as an Alehouse session.

The curry and beer racing was as raucous as ever and despite having half the numbers of last year we were twice as loud. We were able to respond to the chants of “Leeds Leeds special needs” and “eight nil6” with our new song as well as the classics such as, “he’s half a boy he’s half a girl Joe Vis”, and “stand up if you hate Alehouse”; for a worrying moment it looked like Doss were going to be the only ones standing but some bridge, or more accurately wall building with real estate students from Brookes cemented the relationship, and soon everyone else followed. Another girl swiftly brought an end to bridge building with Brookes by announcing, “I know Phil Sesemann”, which was enough to make Finn and Linton run away scared. In response to a song about the lack of women in Alehouse they got some girls they picked up off the street and had dressed in orange to stand on their seats and look bewildered whilst the men chanted away. With Alehouse having more meat than an abattoir it sometimes makes me wish I’d joined Alehouse.

The beer racing got under away and saw the worst performance by a group representing Yorkshire since the Battle of Wakefield in 1460. A stunning first pint by Dan and a decent pint by Linton was a good start. Dave was the first weak link in the armour failing to get half way through before Linton decided to give him a shower. Finn tried to salvage the second car crash of the weekend and doubled up as captain Alzheimers only managed a sip. Dan’s second pint drew an end to the terrible proceedings. What followed though was more explosive and led to a bigger flood than the Dambusters raid. The ladies attempted to rescue some Doss dignity with Amica, Catherine and Sarah putting in a decent performance. After the almost customary banter by club members with the boys in blue7 we headed out to the nearest discotheque for an evening of dancing with refreshments.

We returned to Leeds, some earlier than others, for a lovely Sunday afternoon run on which I got more injured than in my 70mph car crash. Thanks to everyone that got involved in my Doss weekend I thoroughly enjoyed it even if it did nearly kill me.

Dave

Train ticket to Leeds: £56.25

Race entry including travel: £12

Social ticket: £10

Drinks for Dave and all the freshers: £36.10

Cheesy chips without the cheese: £3

Taxi back to Leeds: £120, discounted to £60 (good bartering Becca)

Cost of a new car: £5595

A weekend Dossing about: Priceless

1 Don’t think I failed my dissertation by writing race reports I actually got 69% and an award.

2 For all new readers I should point out that Alehouse is a collective name for a group of half-wit individuals who dress in bright orange and pour pints down the front of their tops. They are also either current or exstudents of some Lancashire based university known as Manchester.

3 As far as I’m aware Beau Smith is not in a relationship with this person, however I don’t know his name and I’ve always referred to him as Beau’s boyfriend. If they are in a relationship, Beau’s boyfriend was definitely cheating on him with a girl at the IOM this year.

4 This is a long standing tradition that whenever Lucy is mentioned in a race report so is the next line from Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. The line “And she’s gone” was a coincidence but very appropriate.

5 Simon O’Meara used to be a Dosser but joined the ranks of the Alehouse men.

6 Eight nil refers to our terrible performance at the annual Doss Alehouse football match at the IOM, for full details please see the previous race report.

7 This refers to the face paint battle with Oxford Brookes.

Isle of Man 2013- The Snowy Edition

Over the course of this year I’d heard many stories from previous trips to Isle of Man. This meant the weekend had a lot to live up to, but that it did.

The 51st Isle of Man festival saw a much smaller gathering than that of the previous year, however its quality not quantity, which explains why Tom Powell wasn’t in attendance. The weekend started with an early rise and shine as we gathered in Liverpool ready for the weekend ahead. The group came in drips and drabs each all ready donning their yellow items. Being on your own in a yellow tshirt can look quite normal. Standing around in a group of people wearing yellow looks a little out of place but also acceptable. Turning up in a full yellow tracksuit with a yellow hat to go with looks horrendous but does the job.

The ferry trip over to the island was a fairly quiet affair. Elliot Jackson spent it sleeping off his previous big night out. The ferry also saw the draws for that evening’s beer racing trials. I should explain to those less informed that the beer racing is almost, if not as important, as the running races with official rules as to how the competition works published on the event website.

Due to the late arrival of our vessel we had a rushed visit to the hotel before heading down to catch coaches to the first race of the weekend. The first race was a 10km circular route starting and finishing in Port Erin. Unusually men and women raced together. First finisher for the Dossers was exstudent Tom Atkinson who came home in a fantastic 10th place. Freddie, Glenn and Bellew’s respective 13th and 19th and 20th secured the boys 3rd place in the team competition. They were shortly followed by Jacob. Seb “the fittest man in uni” (not just my opinion, he also won the Adamson bequest) scraped a sub 36 minute time in his first 10km and Dave smashed his PB on a hilly course. He also managed to beat an injury riddled Lucy “look for the girl with sun in her eyes” Crookes who was the 5th lady closely followed by Coleen who took 6th and Bethan in 13th. The girls secured 2nd place in the women’s team competition. DJ “predator” Crizzle was promoted to Men’s race captain, as he was top dog for the weekend I thought it only right that his full title be restored for this report. DJ “predator” Crizzle (whose race number was 69) took 110th, six places above partner in crime Ashley Bailey. The fastest sprint of the day goes to the lady in front of Rob Johnson, never have I seen someone kick so hard after looking over their shoulder, all the more impressive seeing as she wasn’t even part of the race.

The race was celebrated with a well deserved pint and the first of many glimpses of Freddie’s manhood that we were treated to that weekend. We headed back to the coaches but arrived late meaning there were limited spots available and unfortunately for Lucy the only seat was in the middle of Alehouse. After turning around I noticed that Lucy was surrounded by more sausage than a German Bratwurst festival, this then prompted me to realise that I couldn’t actually see any Alehouse women. It appears Alehouse women are about as common as unicorns, treat them mean keep them unkeen.

That evening saw the trials for the beer racing with first round match ups already decided we cracked on. The first round saw some fantastic performances although the hoped for major upset of the night of Elliot by Tabitha didn’t materialise. Second rounds were based on the times of the first pint with the closest matches put together. This threw up some interesting fixtures with one highlight being Bellew versus Bethan, Bethan won out although she was on the squash. Being a true

dosser Bethan only consumes yellow liquid; ironically orange squash is also the first choice of Alehouse. Bethan wasn’t the only one not on alcohol as Tom Atkinson took to the coca cola. The big match up however was between an off form Dan Whittle and relative newcomer to the sport Sarah Marsden. Dan however retained some dignity downing his pint in less than 9 seconds, beating Sarah. We then decided to head out. On our way we had to pass the Alehouse hotel so in true Bellend, I mean Bellew, fashion he gave their window a test. Freddie took the Doss Alehouse rivalry to a whole new level but fell short of a cardigan incident and calmly walked away again. On the way back from our night out, Jacob and I decided to go and see the Alehouse gang again. This is when we discovered just why Alehouse have so many chants. I have previously made jokes about our own hymn practice however Alehouse really does have hymn practice, not only that but they also have a hymn book to match. Despite being dressed up in yellow the slow witted Alehouse took a while to catch on to our presence before chasing us out the hotel.

The Saturday had a slow start with a general mooch around Douglas on the search for more yellow and horrific jackets. Early afternoon saw a coach ride across the island to Peel where the hill race was to take place. With Freddie and Lucy being fell racing experts Doss hopes were set high. To check that Freddie’s arm was in full working order Bellew tested it out for him that morning. The hill race was almost as horrible as our behaviour was at the now infamous Nottingham relays, the inclines were so great that Rob Johnson had to sit out again due to his fear of heights. That and it gave him a chance to chat to the local talent, it being the Easter holidays plenty was in abundance. The hill race was a bit of a mud and snow fest, Anne-Marie slid all over the place and by the end resembled a Glasgow uni runner (they wear mainly black with a little yellow) than a Doss one. This was much to the amusement of the marshals, who she told off for laughing at her, this only made them laugh more. There were some good results here as Freddie took 3rd, and the Doss men took 2nd in the team competition. Seb came 28th showing he should stick to athletics over gymnastics a point proved with a little help from Ellie Salvidge. The ladies fared worse with Crookes in 10th, Coleen 12th and Katrine 13th, this was enough to secure 4th in their team competition. Crizzle took the first of the worst title again taking it to two nil over Ashley Bailey setting him up for a potential grand slam.

After the hill race we set off on the longest race of the weekend, the cross island pub crawl. The aim is to run from one side of the Isle of Man to the other checking out the hospitality in as many public houses as you can. Transport is supposed to be by foot although cheating is allowed. Some of our girls were too keen to start drinking and started off without the rest of the club, we eventually caught them up a few pubs in. The soon to be annual upside down beer drinking competition took place with Tabitha giving it a go against Glenn. Tabitha took one Tabitha sized sip before deciding she was drowning, meanwhile Glenn wolfed his down in the time taken for a normal man to down a pint upright. On one run between pubs Dosser Paul decided that the road didn’t go that way and jumped over a wall into an 8 foot bramble bush, this left him with some nice battle scars for the next pub. This pub also saw Ashley Bailey show off his flexibility by picking up a lighter off the floor with his mouth without kneeling or putting his hands on the floor. Elliott showed off his inflexibility by failing to pick up the same lighter from a table applying the same rules. We left the pub and a van then pulled up, I won’t say exactly how many people we put in the back but it may or may not have been at least twice the amount of dwarves in Snow White, plus a random man that was already in there. This journey was rather interesting to say the least and without windows had no idea where we were going. At some point in the evening Bellew stopped for some Doss coloured refreshment courtesy of Freddie and Andy. After another pub we then finished the journey off with a well

deserved trip to McDonalds. Slobin proved he was still a student at heart and apparently physically as he borrowed a student card to get a free McFlurry. A certain Neil Buchanan lookalike took the opportunity to cement the line, “she was only 14”, into history. Meanwhile, Bellew and Elliot tried to order at the drive through only to discover they weren’t in a vehicle courtesy of the lady at the window. They then walked up to the next car to get them to order it for them, they swiftly walked on when they realised it was their friends in blue whom they had acquainted themselves with in Nottingham. I seem to then remember Bellew walking around and testing out most of McDonalds. Elliot “got fat” Jackson consumed so much reconstituted meat that McDonalds ran out and we had to leave. Saturday night saw the clocks jump forward, one of many hours lost that evening.

Sunday was the day of the 5km races. For the women this is a flat out race and the men take to it as a relay. The ladies did very well once again and Coleen Wilson took our highest finish of the weekend with a fantastic second place. With Seb pulling out Dave got promoted to the B team leaving a gap in the A team. Elliot Jackson stepped up and managed to run, almost well. The men’s C team came 4th. Ashley retained some dignity claiming back his first of the worst title by three seconds, avoiding a complete whitewash by Crizzle. Bellew’s time from this race was equal to the time he spent in the club that evening.

The afternoon saw the biggest annual sporting event between two universities, after which we sat down and watched the Oxford Cambridge boat race. The Doss Alehouse football match should probably be left out of this report due to the complete hammering we suffered; however it is an integral part of the weekend. After turning up without a football our warm up was carried out with a tennis ball found on the street. We had just about managed to scrape together a team for the fixture using every man we could get our hands on, minus Rob Johnson. Alehouse had turned up with a full team plus extras but still no birds. The first half didn’t go well and Alehouse managed to get a few goals past us. After which Elliot Jackson’s extra weight (not helped by the McDonalds) proved too much for his ankle as he fell to the floor and crashed out of the match. The match continued and by the end of the first half the score was 3-0. After a half time team talk and a quick game of digimon or tamagotchi we went into the second half with a new resolve and gravity on our side. Our new resolve was quickly destroyed, as another five goals flew past us. I would feel guilty for not saving all the goals another goalie could have saved (all 8) but we still only would have drawn. Man of the match has to go to Dan Whittle without whom the score probably would have been in double figures, although that isn’t really saying much. I was going to do a post match interview however in the words of Clare Balding, “no one wants to speak to losers”.

After a quick drink we headed out for a nice meal. Freddie gave a speech which was almost as inspiring as Jacob’s at the AGM. For this grand occasion Bellew decided a new haircut was in order and got Freddie to shave the Armani eagle into the back of his head. I use the terms shave and Armani eagle loosely, butcher and tetris would be more appropriate and I’m sure a gymnast would have done a better job. We then headed over to the evening venue for the presentations and the main event of the weekend, the beer racing. As we turned up late we were met by the normal chorus of abuse from Alehouse, at least their hymn practice didn’t go to waste, still no ladies though. First rounds went well with the Ladies A team and the Men’s A and B teams qualifying for the next round. The D team did alright and for the first time in his life Rob Johnson beat another team, I expect he drank faster to quell the chorus of “she was only 14”. Second round didn’t fare so well, the A team finished first but got disqualified due to Jim Webb deciding to take a shower mid race. The

ladies did better and in their semi final against Glasgow saw the Scots off at their own game. This put them into the final against Oxford Brookes, this being the sort of boat race that a poly partakes and excels in. The final was close but our ladies took the win causing Freddie to change the lyrics of his chant from “we all know women’s sport doesn’t count” to “it’s all about the ladies”. Freddie was also responsible for the pep talk which consisted of, “you need to win because we forgot to bring the trophy back”. Well done to Sarah, Katrine, Ellie and Anne-Marie our only winners of the weekend. Anne-Marie then proved what a bad winner she is by walking up to members of Alehouse exclaiming, “isn’t it hot in here”, and then fanning herself with her newly acquired plate.

The evening continued and Glenn’s redefinition of a dirty pint saw some members “decide” to go elsewhere. Before this, Bellew tried out gymnastics in front of an Alehouse crowd. After a case of mistaken identity I took on the Tom Powell tactic of switching tops to evade the law and once again this tactic paid off. Tom and Tabitha left to discuss ways to improve student alumni relations. Lucy Crookes set off on a mission that Bronwyn Hodgins could have achieved in half the time which involved a certain member of Alehouse. Despite making it back to the Alehouse hotel, Crookes failed and mission impossible proved impossible with Alehouse still being in possession of their hymn book. After leaving the club Elliot found half a yen on the floor, it was a bit rough looking but picked it up anyway. The night finished but the now standard post lash continued for another hour or so.

The trip to ferry the next morning at 6:30am after less than four hours sleep was the final challenge which this year everyone made. Needless to say there were a lot of conked out people on the ferry.

Overall it was a fantastic weekend and I’m sure to be returning as a fully fledged Dosser.

Dave

Alzheimers apologised for his lack of attendance but forgot where he was supposed to be going and boarded a flight to India instead. Tom Powell had no excuse.

Nottingham Relays Race Report – 2013

Leeds took part in the annual Ed Prickett memorial relays at Nottingham uni. Ed Prickett was a runner for Notts Uni and was tragically killed whilst attending the BUCS athletics competition. To commemorate him one of his running spikes was dipped in Bronze and is annually awarded to the fastest runner of the day by Ed’s parents.

The journey south was rather uneventful, Lucy “towering over your head” Crookes did however attempt to do a “Buswell” whilst trying to put her headlights on in some foggy conditions, whacking Tom Powell’s head on the window in the process. After Edinburgh you would have thought she might find the lights before setting off.

We arrived in Nottingham in plenty of time. First race of the day was the ladies. Representing Leeds Uni we had Sarah Marsden up first. Not having done too much mileage since injury she had a sensible race but at least this time she got to finish, unlike the previous Wednesday. Next up was Qianyi Zann Ng who stepped it up a level and gained three places. Last up was Rachel Friend who takes the title of fastest lass of the day who gained another two places but lost one finishing up in 14th place overall. The ladies watched the lads’ race and then departed allowing us to have a lad’s night out plus honorary lad Lucy Crookes.

The lads had been devised into three teams, two Uni teams and a Doss team. Phil was first up and led the way finishing the first leg in a decent first place. Freddie Slemeck crossed the line for the Doss team, one of many lines to be crossed that day. Alzheimers then placed the fastest time for the B team; he could have been quicker but stopped to reminisce about his time at university in Nottingham, before remembering he was supposed to be racing and got back on it. Second leg saw the pace step down a notch, with Alex Bellew losing two places on the way round, this wasn’t the only time he got beaten that day (the second came from a man with a cardigan). Tom Powell kept the B team in the mix with his speed, which was good practice for going on the run from the law later that night. DJ “big cat” Crizzle took the Doss team out of the mix as people flowed past him faster than the contents of his stomachs did later on. Third legs saw a decent effort by Glenn Phair equalling the time of Chris Smith, which wasn’t the only great time they shared that day as they also spent the evening sleeping in a car having dealt with the aforementioned Crizzle. Dan Whittle took the B team down a gear but still a decent effort. Elliot “got fat” Jackson, wobbled his way around the course in a time that was only slightly faster than Crizzle’s. This gave him the first of the worst title but also prevented Crizzle from winning a substantial amount of money had he beaten Jackson. Final legs saw Josh Stone maintain the A teams current position. Dave’s run was only half as impressive as his ability to pull a certain member of the Nottingham team (it’s alright Stringer it wasn’t your sister, though she did give her number to Elliot). Alex Bellew’s second leg was decent although he prefers to show off his third leg. Phil narrowly missed out on the Bronze boot by four seconds but came away with silver as the second fastest runner of the day. The A team were the third fastest uni team and took away Bronze medals.

Had the day stopped here it would have been a successful weekend, however we carried on to make it one of the most memorable weekends of the year. The evening entertainment kicked off with a trip to the pub to drown our sorrows as we watched Wales give England a sound thrashing in the rugby. We then partook in what is known as a travelling dinner party. This works by one house

hosting the starter, then you move on to another for a main and then move on once more for dessert.

The house we were staying at hosted the starter and we carried on drowning our sorrows. On route to house number two Bellew and Elliot followed the wrong people and walked into a random person’s house, they were quickly shown the exit. The main course of chilli was served up along with a box of punch, I feel this was Nottingham’s error and the turning point of the evening.

The route to the final house saw Bellew and Elliot walk into another random person’s house, before arriving for dessert. Dessert consisted of jelly, so after helping myself to a large bowl full I then discovered the jelly had a secret vodka ingredient. It was this house I had a panicked Tom Powell come up to me and say, “we need to change tops the police are after me”, and after initially wanting to go on the run he was convinced by excaptain Freddie to hide under a bed instead.

Now there was a longer report detailing the entire goings on from later on that night, but sometimes it’s best to follow the rules of fight club and not to talk about fight club. Some highlights however include; DJ’s dad driving from Leicester to collect him, TP calling a transvestite mate, TP being refused entry to a club for looking too casual, Dan Whittle taking offence to this, the bouncer taking offence to Dan taking offence and Crizzle being described as “the vilest man I’ve ever met”. Mix into that some fire extinguishers, Dan’s stolen burger, some ponies and policemen, you would then be half way to understanding what happened. You would also be a lot more informed than DJ Crizzle who was present for the weekend.

The next morning we made it to the Nottingham Sunday run much to the surprise of our hosts who had this to say about us on facebook;

Tom Crowley to Andy Watt- Kathy said she’s got no Leeds oiks at hers, are they at yours?

Tom Mahon- Andy was supposed to be having them. I wouldn’t be surprised if a few spent the night in a cell!

We showed them by arriving on time and before any of the Nottingham lot. We also managed to put in a solid 8 miles despite our predicament from the night before. Tom Powell however struggled to keep pace and looked rather the worse for wear at the end.

This was a brilliant warm up for the Isle of Man and I’m looking forward to the tenth edition next year; I hear the social is going to be wild.

Dave

BUCS XC Championships – 2013

I need to start this list of by first saying a hello to my international readers and apologise to Mrs Hodgins. It transpires that Bronwyn may not have told her mum about her little brush with the law which I mentioned in my last race report. Luckily however she had informed her Dad who had told her Mum.

Back to the main event, BUCS 2013 saw a return to the infamous Bodington playing fields, I’m sorry Weetwood playing fields north doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. This would be the largest event being held at the University of Leeds this year with 1200 runners in attendance (although apparently not a large enough event for a Leeds Student reporter to turn up to). The last time the event was held here was way back in 2005, a time when some of our current freshers were still in primary school and Alzheimers was young.

First up was the men’s A race and within the first one hundred metres everyone had a nice splattering of mud. Unfortunately this is the only dirt I have on the people representing Leeds Uni in this race as I don’t really know who any of them are. I still however watched the race and cheered enthusiastically as they went past (although I wasn’t a patch on Freddie’s efforts). Gordon Benson was our top finisher in a decent 6th place the rest all finishing in the top 100. The boys did good and picked up 7th place overall in the team competition. Importantly this was well ahead of the scum that is alehouse who left their speed and most of their runners back in Manchester to come in a low 35th position. This proves the point that no one should join Alehouse (Simon O’Meara take note).

The women’s race was up next and home hopes were pinned upon Leeds Uni’s Susan Partridge who had a decent performance but just like her fellow compatriots, the Scottish rugby team, missed out on the silverware, coming home in 4th place. She did however hold off a Met girl by two seconds, a victory in itself. On the first lap the next three Uni girls were working well together but Joss made a break and in her style got her A game out when it counted finishing 43rd. Colleen Wilson takes over the mantle as the best Canadian with her 51st place, and also took the mantle that evening for forming international relations between Leeds Uni and Canada. This left Bronwyn to follow in 72nd and have an unusually quiet night out (no police this time, your Mum will be pleased). Rebecca Middleton put in a cracking performance to come 79th and Hannah Drewett came in 92nd, putting six of our girls in the top 100 and taking 5th place in the team competition. Alehouse continued their shocking performance coming 48th.Other names to note are Jess Dinkins who brought home the only silverware of the day for Leeds Uni when she woke up on the Sunday with a BUCS silver medal, and I thought it was the Australians who are a nation of thieves. Tabitha Bryant had her own impressive run finishing the course despite losing both shoes along the way. On her last outing representing Leeds Uni, Miss Gold Coast 2010 made the most of every last minute on offer and still beat an Alehouse girl.

To break up the report my predecessor Tom Powell has kindly supplied a Tom’s tip of the day, “make people believe you are magic by vigorously shaking a bottle of talcum powder when you exit a room, thus giving the impression of you disappearing in a cloud of smoke”.

The real race was still to come. The course was by now resembling a hippo’s wallow. As we lined up for the start the normal banter and chanting was thrown around including some foul mouthed men from the Met who profusely exclaimed that they’d rather be at a poly than a c*** (I’ll give you a clue, that word isn’t cart, but may also end in a t). However, I would like to disagree with this statement and claim that I would rather be a winning c*** than at a losing poly. Also to the foul mouthed Met boy who posted on our varsity group, I would like to point out not only am I still masturbating over our athletics win, but also now over our varsity victory and BUCS performance. The lads had had hymn practice on Wednesday night, however the complicated song sheet sent out by choirmaster Glenn Phair was too long to cope with and instead of rising to the occasion we remained the bigger men and saved our breath for the race.

Josh Ridley was the top uni finisher in 18th. Bellew had a big performance, even though he was still carrying his injury pounds; however he showed he may be in his twilight years the next morning on the Sunday run, to quote him directly, “that’s a massive dribble, no wait I’m still pissing”. Glenn Phair had an average performance but was saving himself for all the running up and down the fruity staircase he had to do later on sorting out stupid teams such as Birmingham. Birmingham thought that they were the life and soul of the after party being the only team to remain in the terrace all night, they hadn’t realised everyone else was downstairs in fruity. You would have thought the lack of foam may have given away that they were in the wrong place; luckily for them their running skills are slightly better than their mental ones. Tom Powell had suspended his fish and chip battle with Jack Wood and concentrated his efforts on international bridge building within the society (do the maths). The suspension in battle was due to Wood’s 24 pint birthday challenge. Number eleven was consumed shortly before the race. Despite Alzheimer’s high hopes of beating Finn he had to settle for a position further down the field, he’d forgotten how fast Finn can be.

We’ll take another break for a Tom’s tip of the day, “Employers, avoiding hiring unlucky people by immediately throwing half the CVs in the bin”.

Best of the rest had been a hard fought battle for the first two and a half laps between Mark O’Kane, Stringer and Dave, but the battle was won out by Johnny Wells who had taken a leaf out of Dave’s book and his fruity Friday paid off with his stunningly quick final half lap. Dave had the edge for a short time before doing a Tabitha and losing a shoe. Stringer fell back through the field and his demise was sealed by an excellent final kick by Jarram Jarram, taking him on the finishing straight. The new title, “first of the worst”, goes to Ashley Bailey who beat his partner in crime DJ “big cat” Crizzle. Despite Bethan Davies saying, “I think he has dropped out, I’ve not seen him for the last two laps”, Crizzle was indeed still out on the course plodding along. Like the true pro he is, Crizzle was sporting a brand new pair of running spikes, the first and only time we’ll be seeing them this year.

Some more of the big dogs were in attendance but only in their cheerleading capacity. The squad consisted of Lucy “Cellophane flowers of yellow and green” Crookes, Caroline Ford, Jacob Clark’s new best friend Becky Hilton (nothing gets past these eyes even with vodka). Dan Whittle and Sarah Marsden were also both out due to injuries, I don’t know what you two have been getting up to together but I think you might be doing it wrong. Most enthusiastic cheerleader was our late great leader Freddie Slemeck who’s jumping up and down and cheering expended more energy than some of the runners. Luke Buswell having resigned from men’s race captain duties earlier in the year was too ashamed to take part in the race although the reason he cited was, “I’m going to concentrate on my track season” (I call bull faecal matter on this), instead he tried blending into the background by wearing a bright yellow marshal’s bib (at least that’s one top of his that remained intact).

The evening entertainment started off with a win over Scotland in the rugby, followed by the standard curry at Akmals. This is where I need to apologise again to everyone I put face paint on (except Joe Vis, because he’s alehouse scum). This apology reminded me that I needed to apologise to Bethan Davies for spilling curry on her, which led me to remember that I knocked my sainsbury’s basics cider (only the best) over someone else.

That however isn’t the last of the apologies because there is also one for Stringer as I ripped his shirt up and possibly Crizzle and Tom Powell’s as well. There is another for that random Edinburgh girl I always pick up and spin around, her reaction on seeing me was something along the lines of “oh no, not you again”, a line that Crizzle hears all too often. I say this, however, the lion tamer herself was in attendance and kept the big cat under complete control, at this rate he’ll be downgraded to a pussy cat soon.

Only other important points to note is the evidence showing that Slobbin was out on the pull and that Luke Buswell on what was meant to be his second trip to fruity, didn’t make it in (not by his own choice).The rest of the evening can be pieced together from earlier parts of my report. One fruity worker was however quoted as saying, “those cross country people are awful, I’ve never seen so much bodily fluid in one evening”, I take that as a mark of success. A perfect party to end a perfect day for the club.

I had written a long race report including everyone but it read more like a war memorial, then I came to my senses and realised that no one reads these for the results, that’s what the results are for.

Dave

Births and Deaths (please note neither of these people is actually dead)

In Memorandum

Miss Gold Coast 2010- Despite only being with us for one semester Gold Coast made a big impression. Although she didn’t have the running prowess of some of her international counterparts she cemented her reputation by being a social member of the club and giving us some memorable evenings. Full credit has to be given to her for getting a free bottle of champagne from Walkabout by walking up to the DJ and proclaiming, “I’m Australian give me alcohol”. We wish her all the best for the future.

Robbbbbbbbbbb Johnsonnnnnnnnnnnn- No report is ever complete without a mention to this man. After first joining the club back in 1963 the man made his mark by never doing any running, in what today we would call doing a Crizzle. After eventually departing the club in 1970 he went on to do some kind of running including the odd marathon. He was a staple at every event since and in some respects became the team mascot. I was fortunate enough to meet the man on my first trip to Manchester where he showed his humorous side by turning up in full running kit and then claiming he didn’t want to run, of course he ran in the end. My next meeting was up in Edinburgh where he made the trip all the way from London to just come and take photos (whatever happened to them?) due to his fear of heights. This was the last known sighting of the great man and he will be sorely missed, until his imminent return.

Births

Penny Dorothy Pinker-Hull- Although she missed the main event we must give her thanks for clinging on those extra few days allowing our coach Greg Hull to be in attendance.

PECO League Race Report – 2012/13

LUUCCC are not officially entered in the PECO league this year; however we still have an interest due to one of our members crossing the floor and representing Hyde Park Harriers and other members are able to enter as guests. The PECO league is a friendlier version of the West Yorkshire league and sees clubs from around the local area competing to be crowned the best, with an individual and team competition meaning all participants efforts help.

The last

Race 1- Fitzwilliam Country Park

This race had a low representation with only Joss and me in attendance. My day didn’t get off to a great start as my geography skills let me down and I failed to find Joss’ house. Joss saved the day as she kindly picked me up from the street corner. The race itself was two laps of a very muddy course with two long slopes. According to the Peco league site, spikes were appropriate for this course, they lied, it wasn’t. Luckily for me though I wasn’t such a great cross country pro back then and didn’t own a pair of spikes, so my amateur trainers paid dividends on the long gravel stretch. The course also came with its dangers including a very slippery bridge a gaping trench in another part and mud that was knee deep in places. I started the race off well, which was unfortunately my downfall as within half a lap Joss the pacing queen overtook me and slowly paced her way out into the distance. I carried on regardless as I slowly fell backwards through the field and then literally fell sideways into the field but eventually on to the end in a decent enough time for my first Peco race. Joss was the fourth lady but wasn’t too impressed with her performance as she had got her tactics wrong, and reckoned a third place had been on the cards. I was happy enough with my 73rd position, but then I don’t have a title to defend.

Race 2- Middleton Park

This race took part just before Christmas when most normal students had gone home; I however was hanging around to water my flowers (genuinely true). Joss and I were in attendance and this time we were joined by none other than the main man himself, Mr Tom Powell. As it was nearly Christmas we were treated to Joss’ Christmas CD. Tom was in charge of the DJ decks, and was skipping tracks at his will. When it got to “War is over” by Jon Lennon, Tom and Joss were in agreement to skip the track, I then made the mistake of asking how the song went. Rather than play me the track they treated me to their own rather special rendition (special being the key word). I’d have preferred the original. The race involved some sort of lap with extra bits added on and missing on the second lap, unless you’re at the front this isn’t too much of a problem. Conditions on the day were pretty decent. After the last race I had learnt to take it easy at the start, so I opted for the tactic of sticking with the pacing queen for as long as I could. After sticking with her for the first few kilometres I decided to go it alone and upped my pace a bit, this paid off (sort of). I remained in front of Joss for the rest of the way although she was never far behind and when we entered the final field she was still on my shoulder. With a little encouragement from Joss I then hit it hard and put in a good drive for the finish coming 64th and before Joss. Joss was 5th lady, claiming she’d lost her mojo but was fairly pleased as the gap to the ladies in front was uncatchable. Tom Powell who I’ve neglected to mention, was having his own race up front against a lady, it just so happens his lady goes by the name Hatti Archer (neé Dean), and has competed in several European and World Cross Country championships and even has a few medals from the team competitions. Needless to say Tom was very pleased to have beaten a woman (this is one occasion where beating a woman is acceptable), he came 8th overall.

Race 3- Bramley Fall Park

The usual suspects were now joined again by Tom Powell and newcomer to the Peco league Dan Whittle. Unfortunately Joss’ car had been broken into over the Christmas period and no longer had a sound system or more sadly, PG tips monkeys. This meant that we had a lack of Beatles tunes and had to make do with Tom’s vocal skills. Luckily it was only a short ride away. The race was three laps with two short steep hills. Tom’s arch nemesis, Jack Wood was also in attendance and the bet was placed once again that loser buys the fish and chips. You would have thought after Tom’s last thrashing he would learn not to make such silly bets*. The gang went through their warm up routines ready for the race ahead. Matt and Dan had raced the day before at Parkrun against the advice of Tom Powell. Parkrun is a story in its own right with Matt in a questionable state after Rachel Friend’s birthday celebrations the night before which had become hijacked by Bellew and resulted in a trip to Space (now I’ve been, I appreciate the ironic name). Matt had won this encounter by default due to Dan’s withdrawal but a wins a win. Back at the PECO, the rivalry continued with both padawans sticking to their master Jedi’s (Joss’s) shoulder and let the grand master set the pace. Matt made a move having gained some ground on a hill, but this move was his undoing as he was out of a nitro boost and was quickly overtaken by Joss and Dan who slowly edged away. Meanwhile at the front Tom was having a great race sticking with the leaders for quite a way, and keeping Jack Wood firmly in his place. Tom won out with a 6th place, Jack Wood coming in 12th. Joss beat both of her padawans and was the 4th lady over the line. Not far behind was Dan in 54th and Matt in 68th. The upside of the PECO league is that after every race there is the opportunity for food, this time we were treated to pie and peas or chilli and jacket potato. The journey back was uneventful until the last stretch, when Joss pulled onto the Otley road into a nonexistent gap, the driver behind was not best impressed, but she did avoid “doing a Buswell”.

*this report was written before varsity and BUCS, in retrospect a very good bet on Tom’s part

Race 4- Barnbow Field

As was now standard Joss and Matt were in attendance and our guest for the day was none other than the better half of the Crizzle Bailey comedy duo, Ashley Bailey. Richard Jarram was a no show; presumably abducted by aliens. Joss’ car was still without stereo and shockingly we had to make conversation. For once I’d not been out the night before and so was in a fit enough state to be able to communicate. Much of the conversation was spent working out where we were supposed to be going and despite a minor detour in the city centre and around a housing estate we arrived in plenty of time. Shortly before the start the main man, sporting his rather fetching yellow doss vest, Tom Powell made an appearance. The race started and bad tactics put Matt too far behind the pacing queen. Mud was then the dish of the day and in true PECO fashion the recommend shoe was not appropriate for the course. Spikes would have been a lot more suitable but wouldn’t have given the organisers the amusement of watching people slip over. The race was a rather enjoyable course with a water jump and a trip through the woods (my first fall). Joss was never caught by Matt and so took the score for the series to an uncatchable 3-1. Tom finished but was too ashamed to hand his position in, so because there is no proof to the contrary I’m going to claim that he finished behind me. Ashley Bailey defended his first of the worst title despite the strength of the fiercely competitive imaginary competition. Tom Powell did manage a win but only in terms of most times slipped over, but Joss’s slip and commando role before the race wins the award for most impressive. The journey home was made all the more amusing due to Joss’s philosophical view on driving in Leeds, “all drivers in Leeds are knobs, but that means when I go home I’m the only driver from Leeds so I’m the knob driver”, inspiring stuff there. Although best quote of the day will remain anonymous, “all taxi drivers learn to drive in New Dehli, that’s why they can’t drive properly”. We then had another trip around the city centre due to a road closed in what we call, “doing a Lucy Crookes”.

Race 5- Bodington

This was the final race of the series and it was to be held on our home turf of Bodington courtesy of the Hyde Park Harriers. This race should really be renamed as the battle of the hangovers as it came the day after club dinner and so those participating were not in the best shape. The usual suspects were joined by Dan Whittle on his first major race since injury. The route to be used resembled that of varsity and BUCS and involved all the normal ups and downs with an extra bit through the woods. Bodington had its usual charm of being coated in mud and within the first few minutes I nearly lost my shoe, unlike BUCS, I decided to take the time to put it back on not really feeling like running 5 miles on a sock. On the first lap it was all very close between the three amigos, with Joss being the first to drop off. Joss’ return to drinking form the night before had an unfortunate effect on her running form. Dan and Dave carried on together going past Sarah Marsden who cheered, “come on Dave”, to which she then added “oh and Dan”. In the words of Dan Whittle “charming isn’t it”. The lap carried on with Dan and Dave together; however Dan had slightly more in his tank and slowly edged away. Dave’s tank was full but unfortunately still rather full of ale from the night before. Dan stayed ahead and finished 50th, with Dave behind in 60th. Joss was third over the line out the uni lot and despite her predicament was the 6th lady of the day.

At the conclusion of the league Joss had done just enough to retain her title (sort of). Joss won the senior category however there was a veteran who finished in front of her.

Varsity Race Report – 2013

Varsity 2013 took place in a very wintery setting up at Bodington fields due to the recent snow fall. The course was 5.4km for the lasses and 8.1km for the gentlemen and Bellew.

As is tradition the ladies went first with Susan Partridge destroying the course in a rapid time, finishing a minute ahead of her nearest competitor and a further two minutes ahead of the next university finisher. Bronwyn Hodgins ran faster than the time she got chased by the police and so didn’t have to spend the evening in the back of a police car again and instead beat the Edinburgh Braids 2012 champion Lucy “a girl with kaleidoscope eyes” Crookes. Hannah Drewitt’s finish kept the Uni score low and was closely followed by our other favourite Canadian Colleen Wilson. Caroline Ford was our last point scorer, but in a sentiment expressed by Elliott Jackson it was deemed that she could have gone faster had she been wearing her more aerodynamic crop top, many a lad concurred. Catherine Whitfield was next to finish. Bethan Davies made her return after disappearing into hibernation for winter. Due to our large attendance we packed out the bottom positions with some respectable times and some own personal battles taking place. Jessica Dinkins put in a five second lead over Laura Boehm winning the battle of the foreigners. Rachel Friend and Hannah Reichert were left running their own races, and bringing up the rear was a rather pleased Sarah Marsden (not because, as I quote from facebook, “she is in a relationship with Dan Whittle”, but instead that she had beaten someone) followed by content Bethan Hammond.

The men’s race was won by Dan Garbutt, formerly from Met, however he wasn’t the fastest mover on the day, that honour belongs to DJ “big cat” Crizzle and his ability to move from girl to girl on the dance floor. Never before has so much been tried on with so many by so few (stole this bit from Churchill (the man not the dog)), I would upgrade his name back to predator but that implies some sort of success rate. Richard Anderson was the first university competitor over the line and Liam Lloyd was soon to follow. Our late great leader Freddie Slemeck made an appearance. There was then a short interlude before normal service was resumed by Phil Sesemann and Josh Stone and Callum Greenwood. Glenn Phair’s absconding from alcohol gave him the edge over Ben Marriott but let’s hope it hasn’t damaged his beer racing performances. The IT bossman and worlds greatest gentleman, Alex Bellew, remained injury free for the duration of the whole race and completed it in a rather fast time. Despite this performance he has resigned his place in the London marathon; I personally was looking forward to his next training update. He cited two major reasons for his resignation, firstly being he would have to train for it and secondly that if he didn’t Joss would beat him and he couldn’t be having that. Tom Powell then firmly settled his fish and chips score with Jack Wood after beating him in two races within a week (full PECO report to come at the end of the league). Tom also avoided the embarrassment of resigning as Men’s race captain after threatening to, had he not been one of the top 12 uni finishers. In a post race interview, Jack Wood revealed he thought that he may have had Tom within the first lap but paid the price for a quick start later on. Luke Buswell split the fish and chip buddies down the middle, having only just managed to turn up to the start line. The results tumbled in with Beau Smith, Joe Coleshaw and Finn. Finn just pipped Alzheimers to the post, but we’ll let him off as he forgot where the finish was. Jago Leckie completed the course followed by Silva Surfer Shan. Josh Woodcock-Shaw was the last finisher before the most important battle of the day.

These reports are always going to be a little biased towards my race mainly because when you’re at the back, you have no idea what order the guys in front of you are finishing in unless you get lapped. At the start the main players in this story, Matt Evans, Dan Whittle and Johnny Wells, all took it easy and let the rest of the field get away including our other great rival Jarram Jarram. The lads from uni quickly caught up to those paying the price for a fast start and were picking them off as we went. Towards the end of the first lap and hilly section Evans made a break for it, but Whittle took it easy knowing Evans had made the same mistake less than a week before at the PECO league. But Evans didn’t mind because just like Lance Armstrong he had his secret weapon, not blood transfusions and EPO, but a hangover from the night before. Having recently set two parkrun PB’s and beaten Joss at a PECO league race whilst in a similar condition he knew he had what it takes. As the second lap set in the distance beaten the uni boys increased and with Stringer in his sights, Evans was only spurred on more. By the end of the second lap Evans was about to overtake, but Stringer withdrew having remembered he had an exam at that time. As the third lap kicked in Wells had left a gap to Whittle and the gap to Evans was closing. The last set of hills approached and Evans knew this was his for the taking but as with any drug the side effects of Sainsbury’s basics cider were starting to take their toll. On to the final straight and Evans held off for an emphatic victory in the battle of the back markers. Wells was soon to follow and Whittle retained his dignity by beating Jarram Jarram.

The other main rivals in the battle of the backmarkers failed to turn up. Ashley Bailey spent his day with teenagers in training to become the next Rob Johnson. Crizzle was not in attendance due to his Aunty being around, although that didn’t seem to hold him back that evening. On a completely unrelated note Catherine Garbutt was also a no show (coincidence?).

Mal Smith and Adam Connell rounded off the day although could have gone faster had they not stopped for a yoga session midway through the second lap.

These fabulous results meant that we well and truly smashed the Met after some fighting talk my one of their members who didn’t even have the decency to turn up to get a sound thrashing. Post race celebrations started with a trip to Bryan’s fish and chip shop, so a Mr T.Powell could reclaim his winnings courtesy of Jack Wood. This was followed by a party at Bellew’s. Crizzle ditched his Aunt in favour of this and in the process of asking Freddie about his Hogwarts career managed to upset some sheep. Caroline Ford learnt the hard way why you should never pretend to be Bellew’s girlfriend, although as we now know, the only man for her is Joe Jonas. Line of the night goes to the bouncer who told Caroline, “well if he is your boyfriend he’s probably been cheating on you”.

With results like these I’m looking forward to smashing the Met once again at BUCS .

Dave